mamma made it

Loved

2011-08-11T09:12:00.003+10:00

Last night after I tucked Anja into bed and said our prayers and called out "I love you like a strawberry!", I heard her call out: "Mamma, why did Jesus make me?"

How surprised I was by that question. I question briefly why she would be wondering about something like that. "I think, He made you because He loves you and because He has a plan for you." She seems satisfied by that.

Then at Bible study, not an hour later we read Ephesians and I am struck by this verse:

"For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love, he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will - to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves." Eph 1:4-6

I am struck that before the creation of the world, before anything was here and before we were even a speck of a though, Jesus chose us. He created us in love, adopted us as his children and has given us his grace, in accordance with his pleasure and because he wanted to!

What a beautiful reassurance that I was not a mistake. I was created with purpose, I am loved and I am showered in grace, by the God who created the universe, who holds all things in his hand! My only response can be to fall on my knees in thanksgiving and praise. And with joy I will be teaching my children that they too are here because they are chosen and loved.

Update

2011-07-21T08:50:00.005+10:00

Oh dear, that last post was HEAVY.

Sorry about that. Didn't mean to make everyone live with me through the hard stuff. I find that when a memory like that pops into my mind, it will tend to stay there, milling around and around until I finally let it out. I think my "real life" friends are getting tired if hearing it all, all. the. time. So sorry blog friends, you got an ear-full.

Today will be a much lighter. I thought it time for a general update. Lots has happened over the last few months. We might have to add sub headings...

HOUSE

So we moved into this house. Its bigger (much) than the old place with a HUGE backyard full of...nothing. 2000sqm with absolutely nothing. Within a week of moving in we planted 5 trees and then a few weeks later started the work for a rather large veggie patch. We have also just invested in a few fruit trees and have plans for a few more to come.

Inside the progress has been a little slower. The kitchen, sadly, is pink. And if you know anything about me, pink is not a colour that I like, at all. And the walls, while it is tasteful, is painted a not-so-bad neutral that has a pink undertone. So, I have plans for this place, but first we need to get rid of the pink and that will require money and a lot of paint. I have none of either so, we wait.

Adrian has however done one thing inside the house that has made a massive difference. Our large L-shaped living room, was a very bad use of space. I used one corner as a sewing room and office, but it was always a mess and everybody coming into the house was faced squarely with said mess. So my darling husband (being the handy chippy that he is) build me a wall and added a door. I now officially own a sewing room! I have to share it with guests when they come to stay, but its a small price to pay for a space to be creative in.

WORK

Since getting married (while on the honeymoon, actually) Adrian got offered a position at the mines in Orange. He was very excited about the change to get back into mining and maybe to say goodbye to carpentry for good. The hours were insane. 12 hours shifts on a 4 day rotating roster.

4 day shifts

4 days off

4 night shifts

4 days off, etc

...add in 2 hours drive time everyday, it was nuts. He was always tired and the kids and I were struggling with routine and structure. So 6 months in he let that go and moved back to carpentry in town.

But, he hated it. He worked really hard, really long hours and was not enjoying where he was at, at all. But he didn't know where to go and while paying the mortgage on our new house (waiting for the other one to sell) he needed the work.

But God had other plans. He always does. Adrian was feeling restless for a reason and God wanted to get his attention. One Monday night whilst watching a little TV the phone rings. Its Adrians boss ringing to tell him that he had lost a major contract and now had no more work to offer him. We were shocked. What now?

It took nearly a month before Adrian finally found work again. It was tough. He really struggled with not having a job and worst still not knowing where to go next. Money was tight, but God provided EVERY time. And finally, in the midst of resumes and job applications, Adrian admitted that he has always thought about teaching. So he approached the university and found some more information. Its looking that as of next year February he will be going to uni. I am so proud of him. For the way he handled the difficult month, for finding little jobs to do in the meantime which kept food on our table, for being really honest, but mostly for listen to God and for being willing to make this radical change in career knowing he is being lead there.

FAMILY

As a blended family we have settled in with each other rather well. As can be expected there are some days that are harder than others, but God is so gracious and He is leading us every step of the way. We are learning to parent together and Adrian is getting used to the pace of family life.

Tiaan is now just shy of 7. He has got 2 brand new teeth, 3 missing teeth and 1 wobbly tooth. He is reading really well and is settled at school. He is my baby, but he is getting taller by the minute and I just know that in a few more years he will make me look short.

Anja turned 5 just last week. She is a gentle, quite spirit. She loves deeply and once you have gained her trust you will have a friend for life. She knows what she wants in life and at times we can lock heads, but I trust that Jesus has got a very special place for her. She starts school next year. She is excited and Mamma just wants to told her a little longer.

Alani is now 3.5. She sings and dances even when people are watching. She loves everybody and makes friends easily. She has totally wild hair and it matches who she is perfectly. At times it is hard to deal with her 3 yr old behaviour but every night after tucking her into bed she calls out - "Mamma, I love you much! I love you like a jellybean." All fights are forgiven.

And then in January 2012 we will be adding a little soul to our lives. I suspect this little one will be just as lovable and wonderful, but will look just a little different to the rest. Adrian will gain the title Daddy and my children will gain a little sibling. We genuinely cannot wait. I am starting to feel the gentle flutters of little feet in my belly and it brings with it waves of love and longing to meet this new little person.

So there you have it. Lots going on in our little lives. But its all good, because we serve a God who takes even the hard stuff and makes it perfect and uses it to bless us and to wrap us in His love.

Pocket goodbyes

2011-07-15T14:14:00.002+10:00

People are moving around me. Silently, but filling my space. The busyness around me is distracting, but without these people I just wouldn't cope, so I try to block it out. I stare at the blank piece of paper, thinking about what to write. How do you write your final goodbye?

Tiaan had already handed me his favourite matchbox car - "For Pappa to play with in heaven". Anja drew a picture. It's a few colourful lines, but it's her goodbye and I carefully fold it before putting it in the pocket of his shirt. Alani is too small. She can't know yet how to say goodbye, what to offer. Instead I cut a small curly, the curls he loved so much, and put it in an envelope also tucked in his pocket.

I find it strange that I am even doing this. Words fill the page. Words of love and tears fall there too, as I do my best to express my love for the one I lost on a small sheet of paper. Strange that I now don't remember what I said except for knowing that it was all that I could offer at the time.

Earlier that day I had ironed his shirt for the last time and now I placed all these goodbyes in the top pocket before sending it to the morgue. Lastly I add a photo of the kids taken at Christmas.

These things, tokens, were buried with him. Held in the pocket over his heart. I know, with my head, that they don't matter. This body is now but an empty shell. But my heart is comforted that we did something, something, to say goodbye.

I woke this morning with this memory, fresh like it was only yesterday. I wonder why today. I don't know, but today it matters again that in the craziness of that week with dozens of people pouring into the house, we still took the time to do something to say goodbye.

Radio silence

2011-07-12T15:11:00.002+10:00

I have been somewhat absent from the blog world. I think often of things to write, stories I want to share, thoughts I want to make real by giving them words. But sadly, nothing. I mean to, but nothing.

I am unsure of the reasons, but I suspect that mainly life has been busy and full and consuming of my time and energy. I am working on some new posts (in my head) and I am hoping to start blogging regularly again soon. Really I want to.

Soon, soon, I will be back...

Master's tools

2011-02-14T19:47:00.003+11:00

His supervisor sends him to run a quick errand. He's not gone for longer than 3 minutes and when he returns he finds the worst - life is forever changed. Another work place accident. Another life lost that has a catastrophic rippling effect. My heart bleeds for that young apprentice - how do you ever look at life the same way?

I am just as sympathetic to the other workers at that factory who will never again just go to work.

But mostly I am sad for the family that has lost their husband, father and friend.

When our pastor was telling us about this accident last Sunday, I began to shake. Partly because this story is all to familiar. Mostly because I wondered how I could possibly help. How, with all that I had been through and all that I know, can I reach out to these people to let them know that they are not alone? To tell them of the hope that Jesus offers.

That is when I realised that after nearly two years of being so solely focused on myself I am finally become strong enough (only by God's mercy) to start to look to others and to feel as though I might be of some help. Right from the start of this journey I have maintained that God would not put me through this journey if He did not need to teach me some lessons, to make me stronger, more useful. Is that not after all the reason we are here: for God's glory?

Quite be 'accident' I stumbled across a wonderful website a few weeks ago. Ann writes beautifully. He words are healing. Her story is powerful. I believe God needed me to find her writing, so that I could learn from her, so that I could be more and live more fully. She says this in one of her wonderful posts:

God only makes strong tools out of those weak enough to know they need Him.

And maybe that is what has been happening this last 2 years. More then ever, I KNOW that I need Jesus. I am not strong enough to face this world alone, to carry my burdens or to be of any use to anybody. But with Jesus, in His strength, I am.

My heart has been beating wildly all week long. It is freeing and humbling to know - to KNOW - who I am in Jesus. To know for sure that no matter what, He is in control, He is working it all for my good and to not just believe it but to see it in my life. I am so filled with gratitude! And now I am also beginning to fill with the wonder of possibility. The possibility of, together with Adrian, finding a ministry and working for Jesus. I want to help others to know Him and to use what I am learning to walk a little with somebody else on their journey.

Pray with me that God will show us where we are needed and how we can serve. Pray also that we remain humble before Him and completely aware of our dependence on Him.

New Start

2011-01-13T20:25:00.002+11:00

Tomorrow we pack up our things and we are moving into our new home. We are giving us a fresh start. We cannot wait!

A new space in which we can grow into a family.

A new space free of pain and dark memories.

A place were Adrian and I can truly become one, free of the fear of stepping on and damaging memories.

This is my way of honouring both men in my life.

McBrien Drive will become Adrian and Ansia's. It will be the place that we will fill with memories and fun and happiness. Adrian deserves this. Our marriage and our family deserves this.

I am leaving Jouke's space and the memory of our life together, clean. We had a great life together and we were truly, truly happy. This house was our place and it will now forever be Jouke and Ansia's.

I'm not sure how I will feel when the house is empty and we finally have to say goodbye. Part of me is really, really sad. Sad that another part of the J&A story is over, sad that we had to say goodbye at all. Another part is excited to be moving on (quite literally) and this amazing chance for a brand new start.

19 December 2001

2010-12-19T08:43:00.000+11:00

Through the pain

2010-12-15T16:24:00.002+11:00

Just yesterday I started writing a post about how blissfully normal my life has become. But distracted by the the blissful 'normalness' I didn't complete what I was writing.

Completely true to form, today is anything from blissful. Grief is taken a hold again and today I am having trouble focusing on anything positive. But, I will remind myself, life is good, blissful, normal and completely OK. This turmoil I feel is not 'out there' but 'in here' and really everything is ok. It is just me, feeling all this awfulness fresh today.

I refuse to be dragged down by it. While there has to be space in my life for grief and pain, to allow healthy grieving, I will not be dragged down to a pit of darkness that will take me days or weeks to climb out of. So, instead, I will recognize, that this 19th would have been our wedding anniversary and that yes it is still awful here without Jouke. Yes, I still miss him. Everything about him. And yes, it still hurts. A lot.

But I was also recognize that I am surrounded by so many GREAT things.

I am surrounded by 3 little humans who I love because:

* they remind me everyday of their Pappa

* they are complete human beings with their own personalities, sense of humour, fears, quirks and oddities and that makes everyday busy and fun

* they learn new things everyday and life is new and exciting through their eyes

* I get many fuzzy hugs everyday (sometimes because they need them, but mostly because I need to feel their little arms around my neck)

* they say the funniest things

* they love me right back

I am loved by a great guy whom I love because:

* he so willingly puts up with all of us and does so with a smile

* he never answers the phone in a normal way.

* he calls me princess, babe or bub

* he loves fun and is fun to be around

* things get done with he is home. He's not lazy and doesn't mind helping out

* he has got a big heart and thinks of others first

* he loves me right back

So, see, when you think about it, everything is OK. Because I am surrounded by love. And because I know that this is what Jouke would have wanted for us. To get on with it, to be loved and to fight through the pain to see all the good things everyday.

Chenille Baby Blanket

2010-11-19T11:29:00.005+11:00

Yesterday's post might be somewhat explained by today's post. It might explain why I have been rather disinterested in cleaning. You see my darling husband bought me a present. A brand new sewing machine!!! I have wanted a Bernina for oh, so, long and I am very, very happy with it.

And that, combined with this post over at Dana's blog, left me completely inspired to try my hand at making on of these beautiful chenille blankets for a friend who is about to have a baby. I needed a little more information and so I had a dig around the internet and came across this tutorial that showed exactly what need to be done.

Let me warn you that this is not a "complete in an afternoon" project. While it is very simple to do, it is somewhat time consuming and rather repetitive. That said, I could not be happier with the result and would definitely be making more.

Also it is absolutely worth spending the $30 to buy a chenille cutter as it makes the job if cutting the flannel so much easier and also ensures you don't cut through your backing fabric (which knowing me, I would have done).

I cannot wait to give this lovely soft blanket to my dear, dear friend. It is so perfectly suited to tiny newborns, as it is soft and cosy and has the promise of getting softer with every wash.

Next time I will do it a little differently, though. While I used good quality quilter's cotton for the backing I think that a heavier home decor fabric would have worked better, by providing more stability. Also, I would not be making it out of a fabric with a very linear symmetrical pattern again. Only because, the quilting has pulled the fabric a little and now my rows aren't lining up as I would have liked.

That aside, what an easy and fun project to do! It is just as lovely as I had hoped and I do pray that little baby toes with spend many hours soundly asleep under it.

Help!

2010-11-18T13:40:00.002+11:00

Mamma's of Blogworld I need your help!

After a long and somewhat painful conversation with my loving and very supportive husband I have come to realise that my housekeeping skills are, well, somewhat lacking. I just don't like cleaning and I am far to easily distracted by other, far more, appealing things. While the house isn't completely drowning in clutter and mess, there are very clearly some areas in need of improvement.

I want to be better at it. I want to give my husband and children a peaceful and clean home to live in and I don't want to constantly feel as though I am lacking.

What do you do it keep a clean home? Do you have a cleaning roster? Do you dedicate a specific amount of time everyday to cleaning? Do you hire help? How do you fit in cleaning, washing, cooking, parenting and stay sane?

Please tell me what you do. Inspire me and help me be the wife and mother I so desperately want to be!

Because I love you...

2010-10-26T20:54:00.003+11:00

I bought Kasey Chambers' new CD yesterday and when I got to the car I popped it straight in. I love her music and I love the new CD. Much to my delight I found that there was a secret song at the end of the album. The lyrics are so beautiful.

Mix all my words up and say it all wrong

Don't see enough, but I stare way to long.

These are the stupid things that I do 'cause I love you.

This is exactly how I am feeling. Completely besotted, stupidly in love and crazy about the man I call my husband. Oh, to be so blessed!!

Sunny summer dress

2010-10-21T17:30:00.003+11:00

It seems that I have got a real little princess on my hands. Little miss Anja is refusing to wear anything but dresses and skirts and after day upon day of fights in the morning I have given in and made her a whole stack of skirts and a dress so that she can wear something twirly everyday of the week.

I have made the circle skirt and the market skirt, both found on Dana's blog and they were so easy and quick to sew. I set myself the challenge to use only fabric out of my stash so the only money I spend was some wide elastic that came to a total of $5.

By far my favourite princess outfit thought, is this little dress that made today out of fabric I bought last year from the remnants bin. I made it following this tutorial and I just love the fullness of the skirt and the shirring in the back. Obviously, my princess loves it, but then what little girl doesn't love a twirly dress, in bright sunshine yellow?

Better

2010-10-17T19:17:00.004+11:00

Little Miss Anja has always worried me. Out of the 3 kids she felt the death of her Pappa so violently that it shook ever part of her being and displayed itself in every way possible. Everyday I would lift her up to Jesus (as I do with all my children) and ask that He would carry her through and bring her out stronger on the other side. Everyday I did all I could to show her love and to help her through.

And while I still pray for her daily and fear for her in this world, I now believe that she is starting to do better. I know because she is sleeping, she has finally starting to manage to make it to the toilet on time and she is laughing real belly laughs again.

I also know because her drawings have changed. For a long time she just drew pictures of sad things or really scary things. Lately though, people are always smiling and there are lots of princesses and butterflies and sunshine in her pictures. She drew these today. If you can't tell, that is me next to our house and the one below is the dog next to its kennel. I think they are just too cute.

And then this one put a real big smile on my face. Its a picture of me and Adrian and a love heart "because you really like him Mamma". There is also a picture of my engagement ring, a toadstool and a butterfly and down the bottom she wrote her name (in mirror image) and drew a picture of herself.

Slowly-but-surely she is starting to come out the other side. I don't believe that her grief is by any stretch of the imagination over, but at least for right now, she is coping better. And I praise God for that!!

Foiled Plans

2010-10-16T12:19:00.004+11:00

I woke this morning with a long list of plans for the day. I was going to sew some summer skirts for my girl who is refusing to wear pants, finish digging and planting the front garden and have a picnic with the kids. Non of that happened. I'll show you why:

Snow!!

In the middle of October! Right here in town, after we've had a week of warm sunny weather that made me hopeful that I could finally pack our winter clothes away.

The kids thought it was great and had so much fun.

Broken

2010-10-08T14:47:00.003+11:00

I often dig around this blog and her writing often has me laughing, but more often leaves me in tears. Powerful, scary and oh, so, real.

Her latest post is simply a quote from Ernest Hemingway. It says:

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.”

May it also be true about me.

Still not over

2010-10-05T10:47:00.002+11:00

I just got off a phone call from WorkCover. I get these 'update' phone calls every so often to tell me where the process is up to. Every time it's the same thing: the investigation is in progress. We still don't know what the final outcome will be.

Little does the person on the other end of the line know how much these calls upset me. Little does she know that she manages to shatter a perfectly fine day by reminding me, yet again that Jouke is dead and that I might yet have to face court to pin criminal charges on people that I consider friends.

Its the same way I am rattled by paperwork and banks and solicitors. Last week I filed paperwork to claim outstanding long service leave and for the first time in a long time, I had to write his name again. I was physically shaking by the end. The same way I was shaking after an appointment with the solicitor to update our wills. He was casually asking about what would happen should we die one day.

Like the one day, that came to soon.

I am terrified will come too soon again.

Death is messy, its ugly and it follows you. Even on sunny days, when all else is fine, it manages to rattle you to the core and remind you of the fragility of life.

Adjusting

2010-10-03T19:24:00.003+11:00

Not so many months ago I remember talking to a friend about Jouke's death and how we were coping. I remember telling her that one of the hardest changes that I had to make was a shift in language. In an effort to help my brain to except the death of my spouse I forced myself to start referring to things as mine and to use me and I. What a struggle! I constantly kept on referring to our, us and we. And ever time I did use me or mine I would feel the pain of loss again.

It did however, over time, become normal. I got used to being me and referring to my house, my bed, my car. In part, it was rebellion. Maybe even pride. Like a 'watch-me-do-it-alone' attitude. I hated being alone, going alone, doing alone, but I was slowly adjusting to that and in small ways (very small ways) loved the freedom to choose, like what I watched on TV.

Thing is, now that I am married again, I am finding that I have to adjust back again to us, we, ours. I love it, but for some reason it has taking a while for me to fully get my head around it. Finally, gladly it is our house, our car, our bed! My head will just take a minute to catch up.

5 things

2010-09-29T13:38:00.003+10:00

Right now life is good. Its not easy, its not stress-free, its not uncomplicated, but it is good. Right now, smiling is easy and the gap between tears is starting to widen. Here are 5 things that I am particularly loving right now:

1. Laying in bed and talking to someone about the day. And hearing "Goodnight, I love you" just before I fall asleep.

2. How settled the kids are at the moment. For the last week I have only had to deal with normal childhood issues. Normal tantrums, normal tears, normal giggles and a lot more smiles and laughing. I love that!!

3. Standing in front of the deli counter yesterday, as I am placing my order, the phone rings. I ask the lady to wait while I quickly answer, only the hear Adrian singing "I just called to say, I love you" on the other end of the line. I giggle nervously and the sales person waits patiently. It put a smile on my face the rest of the day. Oh, how to be loved changes the colour of any day!

4. Spring days, friends, coffee and lots of chatter.

5. Being so completely aware of God's love, and knowing for sure that He is in control of whatever life holds.

Brand New Day

2010-09-18T11:50:00.004+10:00

Two weeks ago I got married. What a day!!! I thought I would be nervous and emotional. I thought it would be bitter sweet. But I loved it. It was exactly as I had hoped, filled with family and friends with the focus on God and His grace. And of course, Adrian. The sweet funny-man who is now my husband. I am oh, so, blessed!!!

Blessed

2010-08-10T16:32:00.004+10:00

I was listening to a sermon series by Mark Driscoll titled "Redeeming Ruth". In it Mark explains the story of Ruth and how that reflects the story of Jesus. Much as Boaz redeemed Ruth, a broken, poor widow and gave her a second chance, so Jesus is redeeming us. Because of His work on the cross we are saved, redeemed and given a second chance at life and the promise of eternity. What a wonderful story!!!

Mark, in the same series, also took some time to talk to young unmarried men and call them to stand up and become men and be like Boaz, offering women, widows and Godly single mothers and new life by being their redeemers (with a little r). It is a Christ-like, selfless act to take on a women that cames with baggage, that has been through trials and who does not fit the worlds standard of perfection.

I am marrying one such man. His love for Jesus is his most precious quality followed closely by his love for others. He has listened to God's call and opened his heart and life to me and my three kids. He calls us his package deal.

I am reminded of God's love and Jesus' promise of salvation every time I look at him. And as my mum said: "How is it that in your 29 years you have have managed to snag 2 of the most amazing men you will ever meet. It is definitely a God thing!"

I agree! Praise Jesus.

Sick of it!

2010-08-06T23:26:00.002+10:00

I am so sick of everything I do, everyday, being somehow tainted with grief and sadness. Even the happiest things.

I watched my son sing in his kindergarten choir and I cried.

I laughed at my little girl's antics and then in the next breath I feel like crying.

I am planning my wedding! I am happy, but always, somewhere, there is the knowledge that this wouldn't be happening if it was not for the loss of a great man.

Today I did a really great thing. I rearranged my wardrobe to make space for my soon-to-be husband. The wedding is getting that close. In 30 sleeps I don't have to sleep alone anymore. I am so excited!

But what sucks about grief is that these things also makes me sad. Sad, because it screams so loudly that Jouke isn't coming back.

And I hate that death has robbed me of joy even in the happiest of moments!!

My kids

2010-06-10T22:57:00.002+10:00

I love these guys. They are fun and they keep me sane and make me laugh!

* I realise that Tiaan's photo should have been rotated, but I just can't seem to get it to. Sorry. Just turn your head sideways, it helps.

Really good day

2010-06-10T22:38:00.002+10:00

Anja said grace at dinner tonight:

"Dear God, dankie for Pappa up in the sky, dankie for mum making us dinner, dankie for going to school today, dankie for Timmy bringing us a present, dankie for a really good day. Dankie for everything. Amen."

Indeed, dankie for a really good day!

Understanding

2010-06-09T22:14:00.003+10:00

A few nights ago, Tiaan called out to me from his bed. "Can I phone Pappa, please?", he asked. "Oh sweet, you know that we can't phone Pappa. How I wish we could." A flood to tears followed, gut wrenching tears. He was so sad. Finally he lifts his head, "He's never coming back, is he?".

What a horrible thing for a little boy to finally understand.

I knew that day would come, the day when the kids will finally begin to understand permanence of death and what that means for us. But I was not ready. I'm still not.

While we have been given a new beginning, a new promises for the future and joy, it does not take away our deep sense of loss. There are days at a time when life feels normal and we get on with things and we are living, not just surviving. But then there are days, like yesterday, when the loss of Jouke, of Pappa, of a really great guy, threatens to consume us again.

For me personally watching my kids hurt is the hardest. I feel so completely helpless.

Happy

2010-03-30T22:42:00.002+11:00

It's weird.

Weird, to be this happy.

Weird, because I did not expect happiness again, so soon, maybe ever.

But, it is a good weird. A great weird. I shake my head in wonder, at this and at God's majesty. In wonder that it is possible and that it is real.

I am completely happy!

Hope

2010-03-13T08:14:00.003+11:00

When Jouke died, I lost so much. Not only did I loose my husband, the father to my kids, but a really great man. He was one of the kindest people I knew, full of fun, and a really wonderful father. I also lost my sense of security, friend, my partner and the only person who knew everything about me and loved me completely anyway.

The thing that I lost that scared me most however, was the loss of dreams and a hope for the future. Every dream I held for me and the kids was coupled to Jouke. Every plan I had for us was buried with him that day. Suddenly, we were living (if you could call it that) minute by minute. Suddenly I could not plan my day beyond lunch and then beyond getting the kids to bed. Little chucks at a time. No hope for the future, no planning beyond today.

New Years eve I remember sitting alone at home and just crying. Terrible sad, heartbreaking sobs. I cried for the loss of Jouke, but also for the loss of me, my dreams, my future and the utter loneliness I felt. It was that night that I decided I could not live like this anymore. I loved Jouke, and I always will, but I could not hold on to him any longer because I was dying too. I uncoupled my self that night. I took my wedding band off, not long after. I stopped feeling married and in the process allowed myself to begin the dream of a new future.

Little did I know God's plans. Little did I know exactly how wonderfully and beautifully God answers prayer. Little than 2 months later, I am dreaming again. I am happy and excited. And I am loved.

One of Jouke's mates has been coming around weekly to make sure we are ok and to spend time with the kids. He did not come around expecting anything in return. He did not show up with any other intention, but to be a faithful mate and to make sure that Jouke's family was looked after. And then one night, suddenly, things changed.

He saw me.

I praise God! He is a wonderful man who is willing and wanting to take on this package deal. He knows loving me means loving my children and he does so shamelessly. He realises what I (and Jouke) had to loose for us to find each other and he is not scared. Jouke will always be part of us and he is ok with that.

I cannot even begin to tell you about God's grace and mercy. I cannot begin to explain to you the power of God and how he answers prayer. All this is God's doing, without Him this smile on my face would not be possible. I thank you Jesus.

I am dreaming again. Wonderful new dreams. Hope is a beautiful thing.

Riches

2010-02-25T22:06:00.002+11:00

"When we win lotto..."

We used to dream and wonder what it would be like to be rich. Jouke had dreams of helping his family, going on fantastic camping (huh?) holidays and making sure we owned our own home. His dreams seem small, but to us they were huge. I mean, imagine owning your own home! Being debt free! Imagine...

We never once bought a lotto ticket.

Yet here I am knowing that, in a matter of weeks, I will own our house. I will be debt free.

Instead of being elated and relieved, it feels awful. I don't feel rich. I would give it all back in heartbeat. I would trade EVERYTHING for just another moment. For a chance to say goodbye.

Riches, it turns out, has got nothing to do with money. Riches, wealth, is not material. It's not stuff.

Instead, it is a house filled with laughter and fun.

It is being surrounded by people and noise and banter.

It is the dimple in a boy's cheek that makes him look exactly like his pappa.

It is chubby arms wrapped around your neck and warm snuggles early in the morning.

It is the sure knowledge and certain hope of eternity.

It is hearing a muffled "I love you" in your ear just as you are about to fall asleep.

It is the gentle rhythm of his heartbeat and his breath on your cheek.

Pause

2010-02-22T23:47:00.003+11:00

It is 8:30pm. I am covered in grass, hot and sweaty. I just finished moving the lawn, but I ran out of fuel as the sun set, so for today I am done.

This makes me mad.

Not mowing the lawn, but needing to mow it late, after the kids are in bed and having to stop because I can't go get more fuel while the kids are in bed. Not to mention - I can't see where I am going anymore.

Today the burden of responsibility feels to heavy to carry. I am 28. 28! What 28 year old carries this weight of responsibility? How is it that at this age when most people are just settling down for the first time or are busily climbing the corporate ladder, I am left dealing with all this?

I love my kids. I do. Everyday they are the reason I get up and function. They are the reason I want to "get better". I will not want to trade them - EVER. But some days this is too hard. Caring for them while they grieve.

Caring for them full stop.

I knew before I became a parent that this job is hard work. I knew it was a long time commitment. I thought it would be a job shared. Thought that I would have a fall-back.

Last night I had a really horrible dream. Horrible and all day I have been followed by it. And then tonight I realised that I NEED A BREAK!!

I do breakfast every morning, I care for the house, I care for the dogs, I care for the yard, I feed everyone, I clean everything, and every night I tuck 3 little bodies into bed. Then, instead of the reward of a job well done I am then faced with a long lonely night until sleep finally comes. Sleep, my only break. Unless I dream like I did last night, and then I get no rest ALL DAY LONG!

I need to find a pause button somewhere. I want to stop the ride and get off. I want to for just a few moments not have to carry this load, do all these things. I want to shake the responsibility.

I am just. so. TIRED!

Half your life

2010-02-16T23:04:00.004+11:00

My baby will be 2 tomorrow. Last night we had a little party for her. Nothing huge, more just something to mark the day.

Today I can't stop thinking that she has now spend half her life without knowing her Pappa.

She is such a happy little girl. Obsessed by puppies and crazy about soft toys, she is always laughing and playing and brings me much joy.

The 8 months following Jouke's death she wasn't doing so well. She was hard work, she was clingy and impossible to deal with. But one day, almost overnight, she started to sleep better and cry less and wasn't scared of people anymore. For now she is doing ok and, for now, I think she has dealt with her grief.

This (I know it sounds weird), makes me sad. Sad that she now has no idea what it is like to have a Pappa. Sad that she touched a man's face the other day and was freaked out by the stubble. Sad that she will grieve one day for someone she does not know.

Beautiful Alani, Jesus gave you to me because he knew that I would need you as much as you need me. You are such a ray of sunshine. The gleam in your eyes and the speed with which you get around will forever remind me about your wonderful Pappa. You were given his energy and lust for life and adventure and he would have just loved getting into mischief with you. We love you honey. Have a wonderful day!

Pappa in the sky

2010-02-11T19:45:00.003+11:00

So far I have been talking mainly about how I am dealing with grief. Strange as it may sound, its the easy option. By far easier than talking about how my kids are fairing. The sadness in their eyes, their tears and their questions are tough. As a mother we are programmed to fix our children's pain. Band-aids, kisses and cuddles - these are our tools. Love is what I have been given. Tonight it doesn't feel like enough.

"When Pappa come down from the sky...."

This is how Anja's questions start. I gently remind her every time that he wouldn't be coming down from the sky, he can't come back. She refuses to believe. Its normal for a 3 year old not to understand the permanence of death, but its cruel. Cruel that she lives in hope not realizing that her hope, her dream, can never be true.

She sobbed on Tuesday night "I want Pappa back!!". I cried with her, for her.

"Jesus isn't real", she said, "you just say He is to make me feel better."

I sat there stunned. I thought we adults had the corner on doubt. I was wrong. We talked, I asked more questions and explained again about heaven, about Jesus.

"Then I want to go to heaven. When can I go?" Again, stunned. I had no answers. I still don't have any.

I remember the week following Jouke's death. I slept on the floor in their bedroom as I wanted to be near them and because I just couldn't sleep in our bed. One night Anja, then only 2, asks me to bring her a bucket. Thinking she is sick, I run. When I get back, she takes the bucket and tries to make herself be sick. After a while she hands the bucket back. "Are you ok? Do you feel sick?", I ask. "I just want to get this yucky out", she says "just want this yucky out."

How I wish I can do that for them. How I wish that I could take the yucky out and make it all better.

Problem is, death is the one un-fixable in life.

Timing

2010-02-06T15:10:00.003+11:00

When Jouke first died I was completely overwhelmed with questions of "Why?". A million different questions ran through my mind, but by far the question I asked most was "why now?". He was only 32, I was only 27 and our kids were (are) still only babies.

Why?

Its a question that will drive you mad. There is no answer, there is no knowing.

It has now nearly been a year. 12 months, 365 days. A life time ago and yet only yesterday. Our grief is still raw, he tears are still close and we are still learning exactly how to do this without the one person that kept it all together. That said, I feel as though we have learned a little. Some growth has taken place and while I still really HATE this situation, there are times when there are moments of acceptance.

One of the things that I am coming to see is God's powerful hand and events leading up to his death. Things that happened that meant we were able to say goodbye and have no feelings of regret. I thought I might outline some of those below.

* Jouke and I met and married very young. Were were young but we were given nearly a decade fulled with joy and adventures.

* We always wanted 4 children. Two within 2 years then a 4 year gap and then 2 again. It didn't exactly work out that way. Alani joined our family about 3 years too soon (on our timetable) and because we had 3 children in 3 years time, we felt our family was complete.

Now I see that God knew what an immense blessing that little girl would be to us and what a huge role she is playing in my healing. He also kindly took away the feeling that we 'should have'. Not our timing, but His perfect hand for the good of his people.

* When Anja was 7 months old we spend about a month living with a friend who had lost his wife in a horrible car accident. We needed a place to stay and he needed the company. It worked out well. Now I see the lessons I learned about grief, widowhood, loneliness and pain. Never before had I ever confronted any of these emotions, but because of the time spend with Ian I was able to recognize them in me. They are horrible, but they are not completely unknown. I am ever thankful to our friend who not only taught us much, but who continues to be a wonderful supportive friend.

* Jouke worked a flexi-week. 4 days on and 3 days off. Because of this we often went on weekend breaks and very rarely used his annual leave. At one point he had so many weeks saved that his boss told him to take two weeks off, or else.

So this time last year we went on a 10 day camping holiday. It was fun and the time we spend as a family, and with some wonderful friends, will forever be treasured memories. When we returned we used the last few days of his leave to renovate the laundry and lay some new flooring. The night of the 3rd of March we finished. The last shelf was up and we headed to bed. That is my last memory of Jouke.

Now I see that those weeks were a gift. Precious, precious time together. Wonderful memories. And I now live in a house that Jouke had made practical and livable. His work is everywhere I look, a memory in every corner of this house.

* The Sunday night before his accident, Jouke suddenly dropped his paintbrush and headed for the computer. Confused, he told me that something was wrong with his family and he needed to speak to them. He was worried, something felt wrong. Via Skype he spoke to his parents, his siblings and some friends. By the time he was finished he felt silly, because everybody was well. Now I see that he was given an opportunity to say goodbye. One last chance to tell them he loved them.

There are many more such things that happened in the months and weeks leading up to his death. People we met, that have been amazing support for me through this past year; financial decisions we made that have helped us survive; buying our house and managing to get in front to help cushion the blow for me later and being part of a church that takes their call to support the widow and the fatherless very seriously.

For all these things I am thankful. Not my timing, but God's timing.

I ♥ U

2010-01-16T22:37:00.003+11:00

The strangest thing happened to me today.

I spend a wonderful day in Sydney with a friend while my kids were being cared for by another of my dear friends. Novelty. Spending the day without kids. Watching a show. Catching up.

All day, though, I was dreading the drive home. Alone, just as the sun was setting. As I mentioned in earlier posts, I'm not so confident with driving.

I set of for home nervously at first, but soon found myself relaxing and rather enjoying the time in my own thoughts. The music was turned right up and I was one of those people singing to themselves in the car, looking like an idiot.

About halfway home I noticed heavy rain clouds and they made nervous.

I don't do storms.

I don't like wind.

Rain freaks me out.

I never have and probably never will. Jouke loved rain and storms.

I DON'T!

After another 10 minutes driving I started to realise that I was about to drive right into the middle of that storm and then I began to really panic. I called a friend at home who tells me that the storm had just pasted through and that it dropped a fair amount of hail and she thought it best that I find cover.

Now I am praying aloud. Shaking with fear, I pull over just as the wind begins to rock the car and minutes later the hail and rain comes. I wait it out. The lightning strikes as the thunder sounds and the sky turns orange. If I wasn't so scared it would have been beautiful.

As the wind and rain ease I hit the road again. Its still raining but the storm is passing and ahead I can see clear sky as the sun sets.

And then I see it. In the clouds. As if written by hand or some sky-writing plane:

I ♥ U

For 10 minutes it stays in the sky, right in front of me. (I know, it sounds nuts. If I had a camera I would have taken a photo.) Now, I'm not one to look for signs, but this was undeniable. It was real. I like to think that it was a message. From Jouke? From Jesus? Both? Either way - WOW!!!!!!

When I get home and get out of the car I look back to where I had come from. Black. The sky is black and angry looking. In front of me though, the sky is clearing and in then middle are those words.

I ♥ U

Maybe its a metaphor, a synonym, a parallel for this road I'm walking. Maybe God is showing me where I've been and what is in front of me. I ache everyday to know if Jouke still loves me. To know that I am still worthy of love. God answered that prayer tonight. He is carrying me through this storm and He is loving me even when I feel rather unlovable.

How I love seeing God's majesty displayed!!

Changed

2010-01-07T00:58:00.002+11:00

Anger.

I think that is where I am right now. I thought that given that I now know how fleeting this life can be that I would be willing to forgive more, love more, excuse more. Instead, its the opposite.

I have my hackles up. All. the. time.

I feel like I have to stand up for my self. Fight for my kids. Explain myself. Defend, defend, defend!

Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't remember being this way 'before'. Sure, I got mad, had fights, but I never let things fester before. Didn't mind backing down.

Why do I feel so defensive? Why can't I let things go?

Grief is changing me.

Loosing Jouke has changed me.

I am praying that this is a stage, part of the process. I am praying the those I love and those I hurt will be patient with me. I am praying that instead of being hardened by this loss, I will be softened, humbled and be made useful.

Moving on

2009-12-31T08:05:00.002+11:00

Tomorrow is the start of another year. 2010. A new decade really.

I have been wondering what this year will hold. I have many things that I would like to do, but I'm not planning really, plans are hopeless anyway. We know life can change in a moment. Its more things I wouldn't mind getting around to should I find the time.

What I most want, however, I can't have. I can't plan.

I want this grief to stop. I want to feel better and be better company. That said, I think this year in some ways is going to be harder than the last. Sure, I have learned or adapted to living this life. I now know that I am capable of far more than I ever gave myself credit for. I am far more aware of God's grace and his powerful hand carrying me through.

What is flooring me though is this need/expectation that I should move on. That given that the "firsts" are nearly over that I will wake one morning and feel better.

I don't. I don't feel any better. I feel more lonely, more scared and I ache to have Jouke back. I long to know again what it feels like to fall asleep in his arms or to hear his laugh. I long for the feeling that everything is right in my world and it kills me that I may never again. I long for my kids to have 2 parents.

So, yes I want to "move on", and shake some of this grief, but I don't want to loose him again. I don't want to cut him from my life and I don't want another in his place.

I want Jouke.

That's what I want most.

Wednesday

2009-12-16T22:58:00.002+11:00

It was a Wednesday 8 years ago when we started our married life together. A Wednesday because he wouldn't make a decision and to get a reaction I choose that day. He didn't mind. Wednesday it was.

It was a warm day.

Busy.

I remember the people and the flowers and the hair. A hive of activity, until the moment that I saw him waiting at the end of the aisle. It all stopped. There he was, nervous, but calmly waiting. Stunningly handsome. I don't remember if we spoke to each other during the ceremony, only that he helped me hold the flowers that were getting heavy. I remember how he smelled that day. I remember how, unlike usual, his face was shaved smooth.

We were so young. He was just 25 and I not yet 21.

Babies. We were so sure we had found the perfect life partner. I still believe the same.

Wednesday 19 December 2001: Two becomes one.

Wednesday 4 March 2009: I am left ripped in half.

Weird.

I hate Wednesday.

Riding Away

2009-11-20T21:19:00.005+11:00

I have listed Jouke's bike on eBay.

If all goes well buy Sunday night is should be sold. Its tearing me up inside. This beat up, 13 year old, beast is one of Jouke's most treasured possessions. He loved it. Much time and money was spend tinkering and looking at this machine. Riding it through the state forest or just around the block brought him immense joy. The smile on his wind blown face told me that this was one of the things that made him feel alive.

But it has to go. The first real thing that I am letting go of. I feel so guilty. I'm doing it for the money.

I remember about 3 years back when I was frantically de-cluttering, I made the fatal error of giving some of his things away without his consent. They were carved wooden animals that we had bought on a trip to South Africa, after we both promised to not spend any money. On returning to the car we sheepishly admitted to each other that we both couldn't say no and had both ended up buying the beautiful, but ultimately, useless objects out of pity for the sellers.

So when I decided to give them away, I honestly didn't think that it would be an issue. I was wrong. He was so mad and I still remember him say something about 'don't every give away my stuff'. Afterward we laughed about it but at the time, my usually mild mannered husband, was really upset.

So you see my problem. I can still see his smile behind his helmet, can still smell the petrol fumes on his clothes, can still hear the roar of the engine. And I can still she how mad he was about those silly statues.

Then to add insult to injury, people have been emailing with ridiculous offers. Some up to a third less than the starting bid. How rude! Had they known the gravity of this sale and the importance of this bike, they would not dare, they wouldn't even suggest it.

Letting go. Its just stuff. Just metal and rubber and plastic. It feels like I am loosing him again.

Spiralling

2009-11-18T12:10:00.002+11:00

Today I am falling, tumbling, spiraling toward that really dark, dark grief place. Grief is constant, always there, part of who I am. I don't like it, yet is seems like my one tangible link to the loss of a great man. Take it away and you remove some of me, some of our love. Knowing and marrying Jouke changed me and now loosing him has changed me again.

But that really dark grief I hate. The place where I struggle to function. I can do little more than take care of my children's basic needs. They know it and become needy and demanding in an attempt to bring me back. I see it, I know what is going on. I can't change it.

In that place I relive it all. I feel what I try so hard to run away from. I ache and cry and feel trapped in my own skin. My greatest enemy is my own thoughts and I struggle to turn them off or even down. The lump in the back of my throat that I constantly have to swallow past, threatens to, at any moment, reduce me to a ball of tears.

Not today, I pray. But the train is approaching with phenomenal speed. It cannot be stopped.

Decisions

2009-11-17T22:53:00.002+11:00

During our whole marriage Jouke and I made nearly every decision together. Even small things like going out to friends for dinner was usually something that I would run past him before giving the final answer. He was a very easy going guy and as a rule was relatively unfussed about most things, but I still wanted to respect him and give him a say.

So, that leaves me at a very strange place. Every decision is now mine and I have nobody to use as a sounding board or co-decider. Now small decisions have become significant. Things like whether to send a mildly ill child on a play-date or which pair of shoes to buy or which way is faster home. All these things drive me nuts. There are no "right" answers only better ones for right now. That leaves a lot of room for self-doubt.

What about making bigger, more important decisions? Schools, money, housing, work, the list goes on. I am lost and confused and sadly rather easily led by anyone sounding like they know more than me. At the moment I am looking at upgrading the family car. We need more room to allow other people to better help me out with care for the children. But which one?? I have looked at everything on the market and cannot decide. Which one is most reliable, affordable and safest? Everyone I ask has got a different opinion.

The issue really though is not the decision itself, but that I am deciding all on my own. I hate it. I want to be able to talk to Jouke about the small stuff and sweat together about the big stuff. I don't want to have to carry this burden alone. I didn't sign up for this.

I miss him everyday, but never more than when I need an arm around me telling me that everything will be OK.

Proud

2009-11-07T23:25:00.003+11:00

My sister got married 3 weeks ago. The wedding was to be held 1200km away and given that I have 3 kids driving the distance was the only option. I was terrified. Weeks I planned and worried and layed awake. I don't like driving and have never driven more than 200km on my own before. That was Jouke's job. He liked it and was good at it. That is just the way it worked.
I didn't know how the kids would handle the trip and how I was going to stay focused on the road and make sure they were OK.

I was terrified of the wedding, too. Terrified of taking that one photo that I didn't want to take. Terrified of seeing the start of a marriage when mine has just ended. Of remembering the days leading up to my own wedding. Terrified of the first time all the family would be together since the funeral. Turns out I had reason to be scared as it was a really hard day. I will tell more about that later.

Other things scared me too. Packing the car, planning the route, staying in motels, the list goes on.

But what scared me most by far was the nearly 24 hours that I had to stare at the road. It is the time when the images of Jouke's passing fill the lens of my minds eye and I have to fight hard just to see through them, to see the road. I am left defenseless and unable to turn them off or to turn the sound down. Scenes I would rather forget (like the police at my house) play slowly, clearly and loudly and at times I cannot see the road.

A dear friend prayed specifically for God to take these way. He answered. Mostly I was focused and my mind relatively quiet. Traveling was hard work. The entire trip was hard work. But God was faithful. He kept us safe, he kept me sane. He showed me his strength in my weakness and taught me that I am capable of far more than I imagined.

I am proud of me and the kids. Proud that even when it is hard, when we felt like quitting we pushed on. I hope that Jouke would be too.

He knows

2009-09-25T10:18:00.002+10:00

About a week after Jouke passed my little man asked that I pray with him for Jesus to come and live in his heart. WOW! what a moment. At 4 he had made a personal relationship with Jesus. Jouke wanted so badly for his kids to know Jesus and he would be so delighted to know that Tiaan gave his life.

That said, I have been wondering how real a little boys' conversion could be. Does he understand? These things have been plaguing me, until this weekend.

We were driving to some friends' house for dinner and a some country song, about the war, was playing on the radio. Something in the song, about men giving their lives for others, got Tiaan's attention.
He said: "That's like Jesus".
"How?" I asked.
"You know how He had to die on the cross for our sins so that we can live forever, like that".

WOW!

And then he continues, "Its like how Pappa had to die once and now he can live forever, with Jesus."

Big WOW!

What a comfort to know that Tiaan understands. He gets the magnitude of God's grace and he understands that life for believers does not end, rather we are blessed with eternity, in heaven, with God.

Friends

2009-09-17T00:04:00.003+10:00

Through all this I have learned who my true friends are. They are the ones that can look at me, broken and shattered and love me anyway. They are the ones that let me feel this, they don't try to take it away from me, they know they can't, but they feel it with me. They loved Jouke and miss him, too. They talk about him. They cry with me.

I heard this song a few weeks ago and it speaks of just what I am writing about now.

Thanks for those who are willing to share the dark. I love you!

Missing

2009-09-16T23:35:00.003+10:00

Today I miss Jouke. Its not just that I am grieving for him, I miss him here. I desperately want him home, want to see his half-smile, to hear his laugh.

There are moments when I think that I can do this, play this game. I am strong, I tell myself. God has a bigger dream for me.
But then the reality of death, of permanance, of forever, creeps in and a wave of understanding hits me so hard I feel myself being swept of my feet.

How? Why?

I wonder about crazy things like what actually happened in Mudgee. Dread that Jouke was alone when he died. Hate that I didn't get to say goodbye.
It all feels so detached. I wasn't there, I didn't see, yet I am living it and it all doesn't make sense.

I am tired of this. Tired of feeling this low and pretending this hard that I am coping. Tired of life that keeps on keeping on. I don't want to move on.
Don't you see that my husband is dead and that EVERYTHING is different?
I don't care about petty things, that your coffee is cold and your shoe broken, don't you know that my Jouke is gone? Don't you see that those things don't matter?

I try to feel different, try to say busy. The problem is that were I go, there I am and Jouke is not. I can't shake this, can't run from it and can't get around it.

Love

2009-09-16T14:25:00.002+10:00

I heard the kids talking about love this morning.

"What is love?" I asked.
"When people hug", said Tiaan.
Anja replied: "Pappa. Pappa and Jesus".

They know more than I give them credit for.

Conversation

2009-09-14T14:31:00.003+10:00

One of Jouke's best mates is around this afternoon helping me with some things around the yard. Turns out some things I just can' t do, no matter how hard I try. Starting the whipper-snipper is one of them. I pulled until my arm ached but no luck. I am so grateful for his help.

While he was out there I ran a cup of tea out to him. Suddenly I missed Jouke so. I miss the noises in the shed and the sounds of him around the yard. I miss the smell of his clothes as he comes home from a bike ride - fuel and dirt and sweat. I miss his tools around the place and the many things he took care of that I simply do not know how to do.

Mostly I miss conversation with him. I'm a talker, he a listener. I miss not having anyone to have meaningless conversation with about all the little things that matter.

At work for his Master

2009-09-03T23:35:00.004+10:00

Jouke was a great worker. He wasn't lazy, he was willing and wanted to please. More than that he was capable and talented. There was little he put his hands to that he didn't do well.
It is that which I love about him that made him a wonderful employee. It was the same that made him a wonderful husband and father. Things got done, things got done well and because he was physically strong he could do things easily that others struggled with. I was told many stories about his physical strength and great work ethic in the days following his death. In a way it makes his death at work a bigger tragedy.
The day before he had to leave to go to Mudgee he told me many times that he didn't want to go, he also told a friend. But because of his ethic, his standards, he wouldn't listen to my pleas to not go and just pretend to be sick. For once I wished he did listen.

One of his good mates send me this only a few days after the accident:

There are two ways in which a workman regards his work: as his own, or as his Master’s. If it is his own, then to leave it in his prime is a catastrophe, if not a cruel and unfathomable wrong.

But if it is his master’s, one looks not backwards, but before, putting down the well-worn tools without a sigh and expecting elsewhere better work to do.”
Henry Drummond. 1851 – 1897

Jouke belonged to his Master. Everyday, in all he did, his attitude and humility spoke of this. His ministry was not one of words but action. He wondered everyday if he was doing enough to let people know about Jesus, to tell them the good news. I believe so.

And now that he is no longer here to tell, God is still being glorified. There was well over 300 people at his funeral where God's truth was boldly shared. The members of our church have worked tirelessly to make sure that we are cared for and this is speaking volumes of God's love in action. People have told me that they have seriously reevaluated their lives, some even quitting time consuming jobs so they can spend more time with their families.

His work for his master is continuing. What a wonderful legacy!

2009-09-03T23:26:00.001+10:00

6 months

2009-09-02T22:52:00.002+10:00

That long already? I know its not technically the 4th but Wednesday is just a tough day. Couple that with father's day on Sunday and it is proving to be a really hard week. I hate it. I hate that anniversaries matters. Hate that I have survived for 6 months without him here.

So how I am really doing? Everybody wants to know. Not everybody can handle knowing the truth. I often answer "Doing as best as we can, thanks". Another woman on a similar path as me wrote in her blog:

I suspect that being near me is like looking into the sun. It hurts. You can't look directly at it for too long. Watching my pain must be painful for others. I don't envy them. It is hard for everyone, and those who are near me are especially brave.

So how are we really doing?

* Anja is struggling hugely. She has regressed in many areas of her development. She is back in nappies, she needs help dressing & eating and has become quiet and withdrawn. She hasn't got the language abilities to put into words her pain or even her memories. She is coping as best as she can, but I worry about her.

* Tiaan is such a beautiful boy. He was very close to Jouke and is having trouble accepting that this is real. He is asking lots of hard questions. I hate that his little head is worrying about such big things. He asked me the other day if I had got a chance to say goodbye to pappa. He is worrying about me. Worrying that I didn't get to say goodbye. My heart breaks for him.

* Alani has lived a 3rd of her live without a daddy. A 3rd! That makes me cry.

Two mornings ago she climbed out of bed and ran around the house calling "Pappa! Pappa!" How is that? She was only 12 months old the last time he was home, but she knows he is missing. It just shows you that we are made with the need to have a father figure in our lives.

* I am broken on the inside. I am changed. Hardened. I have built a wall around me, not really letting people close, not really letting anything out. I function because I have to. I try not to think about it. Really though, I am sad. Just so sad. And sick of being sad.

I am struggling hugely with knowing who I am without him. What to cook for dinner, what type of shampoo to buy, what to wear. All the thousand decisions we make everyday I made with him in mind. I don't even know what I like without him. I am trying to work it out.

So yeah, this is tough. I wouldn't wish this on anybody. But, I am coming to understand God's grace in a way that I never have. I am starting to see that life is not about what I want but more about how God is shaping me for his glory. I am seeing God's love practically through his people everyday. I am anxiously waiting for heaven - it is so real!

And a hope is growing in my heart, that through all this we will come out the other side. God is not done with us yet. He wouldn't leave me like this.

5pm comes everyday.

2009-08-28T20:38:00.002+10:00

Today we had a good day. The sun was out and it was rather lovely outside. The kids played in the sand and on the swings whilst I hung washing on the line. We played on the floor and read some books and for the most part everything felt normal.

Suddenly my mood changed. It wasn't conscience, I didn't want it too, but I knew without looking at the clock that it must be nearly 5 o'clock. 4:51pm. My body knew. The normality of the day fooled me into thinking that in about 10 minutes he would be home.

For a moment I forgot. How? How do you forget something so profound? Why is it that I just cannot fully wrap my head around death? I just don't understand.

Single Mum

2009-08-24T19:28:00.002+10:00

I hate that term. I hate being called single and couple that with mum, which by definition implies there should be a dad, it leaves me feeling sick in the stomach. Love it or loath it though, that is what I am. I hate it.

Grieve aside this parenting 3 babies all on my own is insane. Even when we have no major emotional issues to deal with the days are long and hard. Take today as an example.

I was woken at 6:30am (after only falling asleep a mere 5.5 hours before) and while I tried to ignore the calls for breakfast, by 7:15am I was standing in the kitchen with 3 breakfast bowls lined up. Following breakfast we spend a quiet morning at home with me only getting out of my PJ's at about 10:30am. Let me however define 'quiet': cleaned up kitchen, dressed kids, changed 2 smelly nappies, broke up 3 fights, put a load of laundry on, checked emails, payed some bills and made 3 coffees. By 11 we were all dressed and I spend about an hour with the kids doing some pre-kindy workbooks and building puzzles.
Following lunch we watched a little TV and then I found it...head lice!! Anja with the worlds curliest hair had some crawly things on her head and they were not welcome. So I spend 2 hours carefully removing any hints of insects before setting of to town to buy a few groceries and of course head lice lotion (For the record, this is surely one of the worlds most degrading and embarrassing moments).
Once home I lathered the kids' hair, combed and searched, stripped bedding and remade beds. Dinner was ordinary, but the kids are in bed with full tummies.

I am done, tired and ready for bed. But I still have laundry to fold, school bags to pack and a truck load to toys to put away.

I will get to that, I will, really. Just as soon as I have this cup of tea.

Reality hits

2009-08-23T22:34:00.002+10:00

This grieving thing is strange. In the weeks following the accident I often thought that instead of feeling all the emotions one would imagine feeling when your husband dies, I was feeling nothing. No, not nothing, but not anything like I imagined one would. The funeral was difficult, but in the hours that followed I felt weirdly relieved. Days would pass without any tears and while I constantly thought about Jouke and my loss I was able to completely distance myself from the reality, the gravity of the truth.

There were moments that things got rough. 5pm on a Wednesday still is one of the most difficult hours of the week - the day and time of the accident. Going to bed is difficult. I remember about 4 days after the accident having a panic attack because I couldn't figure out how to get into bed, alone. Seeing his work ute (isn't still driving around town) or any electricians working makes me anxious.

The last 3 weeks however, all the emotions I imagined one would feel in a situation like this has come to the surface. Instead of coming at specific, predictable times they now hang around constantly. I am sad all the time. I am feeling the loss constantly. I started crying. Today I was on my way to work and had trouble stopping. Tears are streaming down my face as I order a coffee (an attempt to calm myself) and I am sure the girl behind the counter was very uncomfortable.

Talking to others who know grief this seems to be normal. Shock has worn off, reality has set in. I expected it, but I am completely taken by surprise. I am trying hard not to fight it. Trying to just feel. Hoping that by facing all this head on, that I might come through quicker. I don't expect that I will ever "get over" this. I am changed forever. I'm just hoping for a better week.

Blog title

2009-08-23T22:26:00.004+10:00

I was thinking about changing my blog name tonight. As you may have noticed I have changed everything else as I am feeling the need to make things different, to somehow signal this gigantic change that has happened in our lives.

But no, I'm not going to. Because mamma made it: through today, this minute, this week, the last 5 months. I am surviving. I am figuring out a way to make it through. Mamma made it. Slowly. Carefullly. Somehow I will make it through. Not because I am strong, but because Christ is strong. He is carrying me. And because of my babies.

Our days

2009-08-19T23:55:00.004+10:00

It is nearly 6 months since we last saw Jouke. Its hard to believe. It only feels like yesterday, but then it also feels like a lifetime ago.
So much has changed. I have moved furniture around in the house and added some new pieces. My bed was the first to be moved. I turned it to face the other wall and added new bedding. It is still not easy to go to bed alone, but at least now it feels a little different, a little more possible. I moved the blue lounge out of the front room. It holds too many memories and at least now we can use that room again.

Our days are very different too. In order to cope we are keeping busy. Staying home all day is just too hard so I make sure that we go somewhere at least once a day. Our days are filled with people and while it can be exhausting I really don't know how else to cope right now.

I suppose though the biggest change is in our faces. We smile less. I try, for the kids' sake, but its just too hard some days. Our eyes are different too. My own eyes I hardly recognise and those of my children scare me sometimes.

Anja was very sad yesterday. When I asked her what was wrong she said that she missed me. "I miss you, I miss you and pappa." It breaks my heart. No kid should have to deal with that. I pray that in months to come I will be able to be more available to my children. Pray with me.

Seeing Australia

2009-07-23T22:58:00.002+10:00

When Jouke and I first got married we had a dream to travel around Australia on a motorbike. He wanted a BMW enduro bike and I was only happy if the bike had arm rests and a radio.
We talked about our plans often - the places we wanted to see, the things we had to do.
Babies delayed our plans some.
No motorbikes we knew of could fit a capsule. When we fell pregnant with Alani, our 3rd baby in 3.5 years, I was 26. He quickly reminded me that by the time I was 47 she would be 20 and then we would go and see this country with the wind in our grey/ailing hair.
I am sad that will never come to be.

2009-07-22T23:11:00.002+10:00

Reading back through my blog tonight I was a little shocked to see that one of the last posts prior to Jouke's accident was with my favourite photo of us. Just a few months ago all was normal and I was happy. Completely content. I was married to a wonderful man and all was going to right.

It only took a moment and all changed. I haven't told his story yet, its painful to put it in words, but that Wednesday night when the police knocked on my door will be edged into my memory forever. Not so much what they said, I don't even remember what they looked like, but that feeling of horror. I knew even before they said a word and I begged them to leave, begged them not to say a word. Jouke was an electrician and while working out of town he accidentally touched a live wire. No body saw exactly what happened, but most likely it was all over in an instant.

I wish there was words to explain to you the sort of man he was. Right now it is difficult for me to remember him fully - the pain is too raw. But I do know that he was wonderful. He had his flaws, things that drove me mad, but I loved him completely and I know he loved me. Mostly I remember his presence. Quiet, unintruding, yet filling the room. He was strong and sure and I felt so safe with him around. He loved to play. He played with the kids and with me and always looked for the fun in any situation. Those are the things we are missing most - safety and joy - those he brought to our lives everyday.

The ache, the gaint space, he has left in our lives is difficult to live with. Somedays breathing is hard. Looking in my kids' eyes and seeing their pain and answering their questions - hard, somedays hardly bearable. I know we will make it through, but I honestly do not know how.

Grief and Hope

2009-03-21T10:31:00.002+11:00

There are no words. Just emptiness, sadness and confusion. Grief is real and it is cruel. You think that you have found a way to cope and before you know it you are overwhelmed again. I hope to one day share some of the glimpses of beauty in all this darkness, but right now I don't know how.

All I can say is that God is good. He has carried us thus far and will continue to do so. I don't understand, but I have hope, eternal, strong assuring hope that this is not the end. Jouke is with his Lord and maker, we are carried daily in His hands and one day in God timing and through his grace we will be together again.

This missing is hard.

A profound loss

2009-03-07T10:05:00.002+11:00

This week, for reasons that I cannot know, Jesus took Jouke to be with Him. My husband, partner, lover and friend - the father to my beautiful children. I do not know why or how and I will probably never know. All I know is he is with Jesus in a better place and we will forever miss him. I love him so.

Post Christmas update

2008-12-23T09:02:00.005+11:00

Hi to all who have been patiently waiting for an update. Sorry things around here have been somewhat crazy and finding time to sit down and write has been difficult. If you are checking in for some sewing you will be sadly disappointed as I have not sat down to sew anything in a good long time. This is not a fact that pleases me, but then sometimes you just have to know your limits.

I thought though that I will give you a quick update of what has been happening around here:

* Jouke and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary this week. It has been 7 great years and we look forward to many more.

* Tiaan is officially enrolled at the Christian school for pre-kindy. I tossed and turned about homeschooling for a while but in the end realised that it was not something that would be possible for our family. So two days a week he will be going to preschool and the year after he will be a big boy in kindy.

* Last weekend we had 3 inches of rain in a night. It was great, but our back room got a little soggy. We had to pull the, already tattered, carpet up. The floating floor is ordered, now it is just a matter of making sure the water stays out next time.

* Alani has started crawling. She is not on all fours but is doing it commando style. Even so, she has become rather good at getting around and a little expert at opening cupboard doors and unpacking the contents.

* I have started weaning Baby Girl. She was born weighing in at the 90th percentile and has slipped down to the 10th. While she is eating well I just don't think I have enough milk to give her what she needs. I am a little sad that this part is almost over, but if this is what she needs to thrive than so be it. Plus if she will be a happier girl than even better.

That is about what we are up to. I wish everybody a wonderful Christmas. May you come the know the greatest Gift of all - Jesus.

One of those days

2008-12-16T21:34:00.004+11:00

Today has been one of those days. I have fought harder than I was ready for, I cried a little, I was scared, felt sad and is now exhausted.

It started when Jouke and I went to town to do some Christmas shopping. We are not buying big this year and so we only had 3 gifts to buy. Sounds easy, but we left town with only 2 bought and feeling less than friendly toward each other.

Then my dear little baby got a piece of bread stuck in her throat and after a few terrifying moments we decided it best to get her to emergency. She was breathing but the food was stuck and causing her much pain. Thankfully she is now OK, but for a very sore throat. It was just so scary and I am ashamed to say that I froze unsure of what to do. God was good in that Jouke was home and was able to help her. I still feel sick at the thought at what could have been.

The afternoon got better but because Jouke is work evening shifts this week the kids are testing me at bed time. I fought (I know, strong language but this is how it felt) for over 2 hours to get them settled. I got angry and frustrated and I yelled a little too loudly and I am sure they fell asleep thinking that Mamma has lost it tonight. They are all finally asleep.

And now, I am boiling the kettle. I have popped the left overs in the fridge and when my cuppa is made will have a little quite sit down. The kitchen can wait until morning, tonight I am tired.

How has your day been?

I am in love

2008-12-15T19:13:00.002+11:00

Have a look at what I found today. My oh my, isn't this just beautiful!!! I found this Etsy shop today and I am very worried that I will loose all my self control and buy just about everything on offer. Belle & Boo also has got at beautiful blog that is well worth a visit.

Once my girls are a little older I want to move them into the same room. I have plans of white furniture with splashes of pink and green and these prints above would complete my dream. Right now buying these would not fit in the budget (I couldn't even squeeze it in or fudge the numbers) but these images make me happy!

Christmas Traditions

2008-12-11T15:07:00.002+11:00

Christmas is a time of mixed emotions for me. Never in all the time since I have had memory do I remember a Christmas that has lived up the to hype, hope and expectations. In my little girl days I always remember feeling a little strange about this time because we celebrated differently - no Santa and only small useful gifts - and because in my heart I had come to believe that this day will somehow be different and more magical then any other.

So now that I have my own children I again find myself filled with mixed feelings. On the one hand I want this time to speak of Christ the most amazing gift and of him only. On the other, I love the traditions that surround Christmas, the tree, lights and gifts. The look of delight on my children's faces when they see all the decorations and excitement for the time when we get the eat the candy canes from the tree, is precious.

This time of the year, more than any other, we should be filled with gratitude and awe at the sacrifice of our saviour. To think the King of all kings came to earth as a babe so that we might call him Father! Wow! Let the enormity of that settle in your heart - its huge.

My dilemma is this: how do we teach our children what Christmas is really all about while still building traditions that makes this time special and exciting? I'm not sure and that's why I'm asking.
How do you celebrate Christmas? What things have become tradition in your family? We have not yet settled on anything that feels completely right and I am hoping that your suggestions will give us some ideas that we can borrow.

Molly came to stay

2008-11-26T17:43:00.003+11:00

Whilst digging around on the internet trying to find inspiration for Christmas gifts, I stumbled upon this pattern and Molly just had to come for a visit. Now she was intended to be a Christmas gift for Miss A, but I was sprung and she would not let Molly go. Right now she is fast asleep with Molly Monkey tucked securely under her arm.

Summer apples

2008-11-16T10:26:00.002+11:00

I've had this material in my stash for a long time and last night thought it time so sew something with it. Sadly my first attempt failed as the dress was miles too big and is now part of my 'to sell' pile. I was rather disappointed though and so very late last night I made another, smaller version with the left over fabric. This one fits much better and Miss A. loves it. Perfect!

3 things I am loving right now

2008-11-15T22:59:00.004+11:00

Everyday there is so much to be grateful for. These are but 3 of the things I am loving right now:

1. Watching things grow. My veggie patch has become a real place of joy and peace and when we 'harvest our crop' there is a real sense of accomplishment.

2. The things my kids say. Today Mr T said to me; "We have to do it everyday, you know." "Do what?", I asked. "Eat ice-cream, everyday." How could I resist?

3. The quiet at the end of the day when the kids are in bed, the kitchen is clean and the television has been turned off. With the days filled with so much noise and busyness, the quiet is a real reward.

Big bib

2008-11-13T15:35:00.003+11:00

After much searching I stumbled across one roll of PVC coated fabric at Spotlight. I am so excited, so I got straight into making a large bib/art smock for Miss A. It is super easy (thought the binding is a little time consuming) and just what we need.

Gifts

2008-11-12T22:34:00.004+11:00

Our Bible Study group has got a secret sister program, where we commit to pray for and look after one member of our group for some of the year. The idea is to remain anonymous but through little notes and gifts to let the person know that they are being prayed for. So far I have been rather hopeless at sending little gifts, so I thought it time I get my act together.

I found this tutorial online for a little reversible handbag and I just had to try it. What a lovely simple pattern that worked wonderfully. I am quite pleased with how it turn out and will be sure to be making a few more for gifts.

I also tried my hand a making a stitchery. For some reason I have never made one before and found it quite enjoyable even though it is by no means perfect. The pattern of the little house I found online and the Bible verse I just printed up and traced myself.

Treasures

2008-11-06T08:39:00.002+11:00

Over the last couple of months I have been really thinking and wondering about abortion. I am troubled, concerned and deeply saddened by the ease with which children's lives are and can be ended legally and easily in Australia. While this is an issue that is close to my heart I do not feel qualified to write about it. By God's mercy I have not been in a situation of abuse or violence nor have I ever had an unwanted pregnancy.

I have, however, had 2 'unplanned' pregnancies. Pregnancies that according to my timetable were to soon and that interfered with my plans and my (perceived) ability to cope. I know the feeling of dread when you realise that a new life has been formed and the responsibilities that come with it. I know the shame wondering how I could let this happen (a thought born out of the mistaken believe that we somehow have power over life and death). I do not for a minute propose that I understand how somebody else with the same news felt, because my situation is different. My husband is loving and supportive, we are healthy and there is a stable income.
What I do know for a fact is that everyone of my children is a blessing. Every time we thought we wouldn't cope, we have. The Lord has cared and provided way beyond our wildest dreams.

I have been reading a very powerful book by Sarah Williams called The Shaming of the Strong: The challenge of an unborn life. It is her story about finding out that the child she was carrying would not live beyond birth. She powerfully tells of the decision to carry the child to term despite major health issues and a tremendous amount of pain. In her final chapter she writes this:

"She was an unexpected treasure. She appeared at first to be the loss of hope and the disruption of all my plans, but through her, God came close to me again, wild and beautiful, good and gracious, strangely familiar but infinately exciting...Cerian was, by the world's definition, a weak thing, but the beauty and completeness of her personhood had nullified the value system to which I had subscribed for so long."

Tonight I do not want to debate about when life begins or point fingers and cast blame - there is enough of that in the world. I simple want to suggest that these unplanned children that we choosing to get rid of, are all unexpected treasures. What if (had I not been convicted otherwise) decided to abort one of my untimely pregnancies? I tear-up at the though of not having known my girls and the richness and joy they bring everyday. It would have been treasures lost.

I have friends who are not able to have children and who are struggling to adopt because there simply are not enough babies placed for adoption as a result of our high rate of abortion. Treasures that are lost that would have been loved and cared for by people like my friends.

I you are reading this, facing an untimely pregnancy, I want to encourage you to seek an alternative to abortion. There are many great websites out there that provided fantastic information that will help you to understand the choice you are facing. I am no expert, I am just a mum who was and continues to be amazed by the gift of my children. When I thought we wouldn't cope Jesus provided hope and continues daily to uphold us by his love and mercy. He cares and loves you and your little one more than you will ever know.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"

2 Corinthians 12:9

Jet party

2008-10-29T10:50:00.004+11:00

Ready for take off!

With the remote control car Pappa bought him. As you can tell he loves it.

We held Tiaan's 4th birthday party on the weekend. What an event! He had about 15 little friends over for a sausage sizzle and some jet cake. There was playing, glow sticks, balloons, eating and a whole lot of laughing. He had so much fun and went to bed exhausted but very happy. Right now they are building birthday cakes in the sandpit and playing party, so it must have been a hit. Sadly I was to busy to take many photo's so these will have to do.

Veggie patch update

2008-10-19T20:19:00.003+11:00

The boysenberry bush is flowering. I can't wait...

My dad has always been a gardener. I never understood why as it seemed like hard, dirty work. Well I was right it is hard work but I am starting to love it. My veggie patch is starting to take shape and last night we had our first meal out of the garden - a silver beet and bacon frittata made with eggs from the neighbours. (We have sowed/planted tomatoes, capsicum, lettuce, carrots, beans, beetroot, zucchini, butternut pumpkin, onion, broccoli, sweetcorn, some herbs, boysenberry, strawberries & sliver beet). It is not perfect, there are weeds and a few plants are struggling but I love the feeling that we are claiming a little independence from this commercial world we live in. And I love seeing things grow where once there was nothing. Strangely it has brought us all closer as a family and it has definitely brought us closer to our Creator. For some reason watching tiny seedlings poke their heads through the soil makes me acutely aware of God's love, grace and awesome power.

On a different note, not much sewing has been happening at the moment. The sunshine is drawing us outside. I did however whip up this little skirt for Anja this afternoon. Quick and easy, but she loved it.

Scrapbooking

2008-10-15T08:14:00.002+11:00

In the craft world I have got two great loves - sewing and scrapbooking. I tend to flick between the two, really getting into the one or the other but never doing them together. I am enjoying sewing at the moment but thought it time to share some of my favourite pages so far. They are by no means perfect or professional but they bring me great joy.

Three things I am loving right now

2008-10-14T14:53:00.005+11:00

1. The warm days and cool nights. This time of the year I just want to get outside. The way things smell, watching things grow, children playing on the lawn after dinner - it all reminds me of God's love and mercy.

2. Family. My husband (how I love him!), my children, extended family and all the add on's. These people make me feel loved, connected and so very special.

3. Summer fabrics. Cool cottons with fresh prints. I am inspired to start sewing again.

Tiaan

2008-10-08T21:30:00.002+11:00

My boy will be 4 at the end of this month. Hard to believe. One part of me is glad that he is growing up, but another is just a little sad. Last week I organised the kids clothes. I came across his 000 baby clothes, and while I really should be thinking of getting rid of them I can't, not yet. To me he will always be my baby.

Make a Smilebox slideshow

God was there

2008-09-25T09:17:00.002+10:00

My dear, dear friend Sara is getting married this weekend. She is the last of the Warren girls and to celebrate we organised a weekend away. Before leaving I was a little nervous. Partly it was getting everything ready here at home, partly about leaving Jouke with the kids, partly about having to take Lolly and partly because I wasn't sure how us girls (now women) would get on. The last time we were all together was at my wedding and since then we have all found our life partners and I have had 3 babies.
I needn't have worried. Within minutes it was like old times. Laughing, talking, catching up and sharing some really deep things. The first night we didn't get to bed until about 2am (Note to self: Best avoided with babies who do not understand sleeping in). I haven't had a weekend where God was so present in a very long time. He was part of every conversation and we spend some wonderful time praying together. I came home refreshed. What a blessing to have such wonderful Godly friends!

And to Sara and Ben, I pray that your wedding and the remainder of your marriage will be equally blessed. I hope that you will be able to say "God was there".

The week that's been

2008-09-17T14:05:00.007+10:00

I realise that it has been a while since I last posted. Sorry to those who have been waiting for an update. I wanted to post, but this has been a crazy week. Let me tell you what happened.

1. The biggest event has been that Lolly has been under the weather. So besides not eating she hasn't slept for over a week. No, that is stretching the truth. She sleeps some in the day but keeps us up at night. Last night was a better night and I only had to get up to her 6-7 times. I say better because the previous nights we got on average about 1 1/2 hours sleep. She is getting there though and is looking a whole lot happier. Concerning though, is that she isn't gaining weight and hasn't been for the last 2 months and so the community health nurse is coming on Monday to see if they can figure out what is going on. I will keep you posted.

2. Our two pooches decided it would be fun to break through the back fence and go on an adventure. After much searching and praying we found them over 8 km from home.

3. Miss A has got Tonsillitis. She is taking antibiotics (as much as I hate the stuff) and it on the mend, but her disposition is making the days very long.

4. I have applied for a casual position and have been offered an interview. This is happening tomorrow and has got me a little rattled.

5. One of my old friends is getting married in a week. We are taking her away for a few nights this coming weekend. While I am excited about the prospect of being away just getting ready right now seems bigger than me. Also, I am taking Lolly with me a leaving Jouke with the older two. It sounded good in theory, but we will see if it is going to work in practice.

6. My brother and his wife came down for a visit last weekend. We had a great time with them, but with the serious lack of sleep in this house and the resulting mood, I wonder how much fun they had. Sorry guys!

Anyhow, these things happen. But let me tell you, anyone who thinks that parenthood is always great, not true! It is mostly great, but there are times when I want to stop the world and get off. This week has been it.

Picnic in the Woods

2008-09-10T09:48:00.002+10:00

Last Saturday Jouke suggested that we head over to the pine forest near-by for a picnic. I packed some honey sandwiches and fruit and we were off. It was so lovely. We sang ABBA songs on the way there, gathered pine cones and hunted for fairies (they were very illusive). Unfortunately I left the camera at home and so these photos were taken on Jouke's phone. We really should endeavor to do these things more often.

Bibs

2008-09-09T18:20:00.002+10:00

Our local school holds markets every month. My neighbour suggested that I sell some of my things there. So I am having a go and seeing if I can make some money our of my hobby.

The first thing I am making is plastic covered bibs, because it is the one thing that I have not been able to find in the shops. Once you have tried to get pumpkin stains out of a bib once you can see the value in a bib that cannot stain. I do hope they sell well.

Wish me luck!

Siblings

2008-09-03T14:24:00.002+10:00

One of my friends said the other day that while she was surprised by the love she had for her children, she was even more surprised about the love she held for them as siblings - seeing their love for each other, the bond they share and the things they get up to. How right she is!

Refusing to feed

2008-09-03T14:05:00.005+10:00

When Miss A was only 7 months old she weaned herself overnight. Suddenly she didn't want a bar of me, completely refusing feed and biting anytime I got near her. It was painful (physically and emotionally) to say the least, but I had no choice, she became a bottle baby.

So far feeding Baby Girl has been going really well. She was gaining weight and doing all the things she should. However, things have changed. Over the last few weeks she has not put on any weight and now she is plainly refusing to latch. The monkey! It looks like she has taken lessons from her big sister and Mamma is not at all happy about it. Pray with me that she will continue to let me feed her. Weaning before mother and baby are ready is difficult and not something I thought I would have to deal with twice.

Challenged by Deuteronomy to turn the TV off

2008-09-01T08:34:00.004+10:00

This term in church and in our small groups we have been looking at Deuteronomy. When I first heard what we would be studying I was a little disappointed - surely there were books of the Bible that would be more relevant, more applicable. How wrong I was! Every chapter has been teaching and changing me. Every study I walk away challenged and stretched. Two things in particular have become very clear to me:

1. Our God is a jealous God who demands and expects obedience.
Again and again it is written: The Lord commanded us to obey all these decrees...(7:24) and again, Love the LORD your God and keep his requirements, his decrees and his commands always (11:1) and again, Obey the LORD you God and follow his commands and decrees that I give you today (27:10). This phrase is repeated over and over and over and it is followed nearly always by this command: You shall have no other gods before me or The LORD our God the LORD is one (6:4) or Serve Him only... do not follow other gods (6:13-14) or It is the LORD your God you must follow, and him you must revere...serve him and hold fast to him (13:14).

While I have known this, read it before, never before has it impacted me quite so. I started to think of all the times I have loved another or something else more than Him. Many, many times!
And then in the middle of the night I was thinking about this world I am raising my children in. My mind flashed back to an episode of Oprah where she talked about god, or a force or a presence or what ever you choose to call it. She talks about spirituality, about finding your centre, about forgiveness and patients. While it all sounds good, never once is God mentioned and when he is he is not the LORD the only, awesome, true God. This realisation made me see how I have let people into my home (by means of the television) preaching and teaching things that are detestable to the Lord. I have become softened and accepting. The Bible talks about people "inciting rebellion against the Lord (13:5)" it states that those people must be purged, stoned and destroyed. How enticed I have been, blinded. Somethings will be changing around here.

2. The Lord's name is holy
Yesterday in church as the Bible was being read, one verse in particular stood out to me:

If you do not carefully follow all the words of this law, which are written in this book, and revere this glorious and awesome name - the LORD your God - the Lord will send fearful plagues on you and your descendants...(28:58-59)

Too often I hear God's name used in detestable ways. It roles of people's tongues, used like another adjective, an acceptable swear word. Again I have become softened, it doesn't cut so deep or sound so harsh anymore. The other day Mr. T used it, testing to see our reactions, confused by the messages he is receiving. Quickly we explained that we do not use God's name like that, that it is sin, before returning our attention to the television where minutes later God's name was again misused. Shame on me!

The list of things I have been learning is far longer. God's standard is high and I fall short, so short. However, thanks to God's grace and mercy Jesus has come and placed me in a right relationship with Him. Because of Him I can be called "child of God". I am overwhelmed that that is even possible!

2008-08-28T12:42:00.002+10:00

I found this tutorial online and I just had to try it. This little dress is made from a men's button shirt that I bought at an op shop. It is really very easy, adding the ruffle to the bottom took longer than making the rest of the dress. What a great way to recycle clothing!

Satisfaction!

2008-08-26T14:07:00.005+10:00

Yesterday I cleaned the house. While that may seem like an everyday kind of comment, this was no everyday kind of clean. Here is some of what I did: cleaned the cupboard under the sink; did the bathroom; mopped; vacuumed; stripped the sheets, washed, dried and made all the beds; washed 6 loads, folded and put them away; cleaned up the back yard; watered the garden; made some custard tart for morning tea; organised the kids toys; dusted. This was all in addition to the everyday tasks of preparing meals, dressing children, bathing & changing. I went to be absolutely exhausted, but as I put on my clean pj's and climbed into my freshly made bed, I as so pleased. A feeling of pure satisfaction.

As you could appreciate not a lot of sewing happened yesterday, but Sunday on our way to church I realised that Miss A. needed something to help her look presentable. I quickly whipped up this headband. It was so easy and the pattern worked beautifully. She looked lovely and was given lots of compliments.

Aliyah's skirt

2008-08-22T09:42:00.002+10:00

A friend asked me to sew a skirt for her baby to wear to a wedding this weekend. I hope she likes it!

Happy birthday, Mum!

2008-08-21T20:13:00.005+10:00

Mum will not like me telling people, but tomorrow she is turning 50. Sadly, due to many different reasons, we are not able to be with her on her birthday. I so wish it was not so, how I would have loved to have shared this day with her. Instead I thought I would write a little about the things my mother taught me.

1. Girls who sit on the table will never get married. (I proved her wrong, but I can still hear her saying it.)

2. If you lay down when you eat you will grow horns. (Not entirely true, but I now say it to my kids.)

3. That it is worth unpicking and redoing it. It will look better and you will be a lot happier with the end result.

4. That is doesn’t matter so much how far you come in this life as long as you are in a right relationship with Jesus, and make it to heaven.

5. The being a stay-at-home mum is a honourable and God given occupation. Mum never made excuses for being home and raising us 4. She did it well, teaching and training us to love and follow Jesus. Now as adults all her children are in a right relationship with Him.

6. To always have a few dollars hidden in your wallet for those unexpected things in life. Plus it makes for a nice surprise when you happen upon it one day.

7. To keep a home that is open and inviting and to always have space at the table for one more.

8. How to be a good wife. When Jouke and I first got married I struggled to make him the first person I would turn to in a crisis. It was easier to ring mum or to talk to a friend about the things happening in my life, as this is what I was used to. Mum reminded me that that should be Jouke’s role. Mum and Dad have got a wonderful marriage (of 32 years). The love, devotion and support she gives dad everyday has been so powerful.

9. To spend quiet time with God. I don’t remember being told that daily devotionals were important, but I remember “catching” mum reading her Bible many a times.

10. To have dinner at the table with my family as often as possible

11. The rules of tennis

12. Mum is a brilliant seamstress and any bit of ability I have got I owe to her.

13. How to love my children.

14. You don't need a pantry full of food to serve up a great meal. Tinned corn, some leftovers, eggs and green beans is all she needed to feed an army in 15 minutes flat.

15. Many, many countless things. I find myself doing more and more things like you would have. I even sound just like you at times.

Mum, when I think of you I think of Philippians 4:5 that says: Let your gentleness be evident to all. Your gentle spirit draws people to you and provides a safe place for us all. You are a true Proverbs 31 women, ever striving to be more like Jesus. I will forever be thankful that I can call you Mamma. You will always the voice in my head teaching and guiding me as I now seek to raise my little ones to know and follow Jesus. I am so glad that you are their Ouma and I have full confidence that any time they spend with you will be filled with only good things.

Happy birthday mum, have a wonderful day! I love you!

Dare to discipline

2008-08-16T10:42:00.003+10:00

Don't you sometimes get tired of hear your own voice? Of asking the same thing 3, 4, 5 times before somebody responds? I find this to be particularly true when you are a parent. A friend suggested that I try disciplinary measure that uses pegs and it has work wonders!

Here is how it works: Place 10 pegs onto a coat hanger. Explain to your child that 20 pegs are the goal and that they can be earned through positive behaviour (listening the first time, talking kindly, sharing, etc). Once this goal is reached some type is reward is then given (ice-cream in the park, small toy, etc). They should however understand that unacceptable behaviour leads to pegs being lost. There is to be no negotiation and no warnings, the aim is immediate obedience.

So far Mr T. has responded well. He likes the visual reminder and loves that he is seeing the fruits of good behaviour. So far he has dropped as low as 7 but currently he is sitting on 17 and a trip to the shops in imminent. We are very quick to reward good behaviour at the moment but plan on raising the bar as he get better at listening and obedience. I am amazed at the change in the atmosphere in our home - less yelling and a whole lot more praise. That has to be a good thing!

3 great things

2008-08-15T09:28:00.005+10:00

I thought I'd sum up the week by letting you know 3 great things that has happened:

The snowman built on the trampoline

How Frosty died - Labradors will eat anything!

1. Sunday morning we woke to snow, in our backyard! This lead to an adventure into the pine forest looking for more and one of the most magical days in a long time. The whole day was filled with building snowmen, watching the snow fall and generally enjoying each others company. All of us can't seem to get enough of the white stuff.

2. We have a new addition to our family: a little girl Labrador, Narrah, who needed a new home. She has had very little training and is leaning toward being destructive and jumpy, but she has a lovely nature and I am sure with a little correction will be a loving pet. Toffee cannot believe his luck!

3. I got the chance to go see Mama Mia (for the second time). I just cannot get enough of that movie. It is the scenery, the music, the overacting and corniness, and the great mood it puts me in. If you haven't yet - go see it!

What are 3 great things that happened to you this week?

Smocket

2008-08-09T10:46:00.005+10:00

I find immense pleasure form digging through other people's blogs and getting ideas and inspiration. There are some really talented and creative people in this world and I could but hope to borrow some of their genius.

Pick-a-boo!

I see you!

Yesterday I stumbled upon this smocket pattern and I just had to sew it for Miss A. It is so easy to make and brings me great joy. The original pattern had ties at the shoulders, but I added some buttons and also a pocket to both sides to make it reversible. I now hope to make it in a smaller size for baby girl and it will definitely be used for a few birthday presents in the future.

Just for show

2008-08-07T11:56:00.004+10:00

I took come photos of Anja yesterday to show some of our op shop finds. I came home with two bags filled with wonderful things including shoes, clothes, Tupperware, puzzles and Anja's new favourite toy - Little Bear. But while I am posting I will take the opportunity to show off a little - aren't they just lovely?

Soon, soon...

2008-08-07T11:35:00.003+10:00

Slowly I have started sewing a few things for summer. This little dress for baby girl took less than an hour to put together, but that is why I love it - simple and sweet. Oh, I cannot wait for warmer days!

Four things

2008-08-05T21:54:00.002+10:00

Just for fun...

4 jobs I have held

1. Babysitter
2. Working in a deli
3. Cook/cleaner during a cotton harvest
4. Waitress

4 movies I would watch over and over

1. I am Sam
2. How to lose a guy in 10 days
3. Mama Mia!
4. While you were sleeping

4 places I have lived

1. South Africa (all over)
2. Warren, NSW
3. Armidale, NSW
4. Naracoorte, SA (married my sweetheart there!)

4 TV shows I watch

1. 60 minutes
2. All Saints
3. Anything medical
4. Dr. Phil ( I know, I know, but its the psychologist in me)

4 places I have been

1. Kruger National Park, South Africa
2. Kuala Lumpur Airport, Malaysia
3. Sentosa Island, Singapore
4. Rotorua, New Zealand

4 favourite foods

1. Roast dinner
2. Chocolate, in all its forms
3. Ice-cream
4. Mango and other tropical fruits

4 places I'd rather be right now

1. In bed, fast asleep. All I want is 1 night of unbroken sleep.
2. Some island, somewhere on a beautiful, deserted beach with my husband
3. At a water park, having fun with the kids
4. In heaven, where there will be no more pain or sorrow and where I will be in the presence of my Lord and Maker!

Join the fun and let me know 4 things about you.

first taste

2008-08-01T22:45:00.004+10:00

It feels like only yesterday that I got to meet our little girl. I remember all too well what it felt like to hold her little wet newborn body and to see her little face for the first time. And even though I know from experience that the baby days are so fleeting, I secretly wished that this time the days will pass just a little slower. Maybe it is because we are starting to think that our family may be complete, or because she really is a very content baby full of smile and giggles, but I am really hating that she is getting older.

I am feeling nostalgic tonight because today she had her first go at solid food. This is in reality the first step to weaning and independence. From the day she was conceived until today my body has been providing all the nutrients she needed to grow, but solid food marks the start of a new stage. While I am not sure that I am ready for this, a small part of me is a little excited that I am getting my body back (though it is not quite the way I remember it) and that I might have a little more freedom.

Now I better get busy making some purees...

Housework

2008-07-30T22:20:00.003+10:00

Anybody who knows me or how has spent any time in my house, knows that I am not a very good housekeeper. No matter how hard I try, my house never looks as tidy as what I would like it, there is always a cup left somewhere or a toy that is not packed way or books (piles of them) beside my bed or that one sock left laying in the corner of the room. And that is on a good day. You see while I do not put up with dirt and grime (dirty sheets and towels, dirty bathroom and kitchen especially), a little mess and disorganisation seems to match my personality and really doesn't bother me much. I would rather our house to be welcoming and comfortable, a place where people can relax and feel at home, than a hotel where everything is prestine and unlived in.

While I can justify a little mess, some jobs needs doing wether I like it or not. Washing is one job that I really don't like. In my opinion it is one of the least rewarding jobs around the house, because even if you have washed every possible thing, you are still wearing clothes and they too will need to be washed and so it means that the job is never finished - you can never have an empty laundry basket!

I write about this tonight because I am drowning in washing. You see coupled with bad weather, a broken washing machine and lots of sewing, the washing has been mounting. And so today, with sunshine and a working machine I did 8, yes 8, loads of washing! Madness. You would think that I would feel content, the job is finally done. But no, not really, because now there are 8 loads of clean washing that needs folding and putting away and I am sure that come morning there will be enough washing to justify another load. See never ending!

So, if anyone out there has got any wonderful ideas to help me get on top and stay on top of the washing it would be much appreciated. Or better still, if you wanted to drop in a help me out that would be ideal!

Let it snow!

2008-07-27T22:30:00.007+10:00

Duck! I think he had the most fun. I love seeing him like this

About a month ago, Jouke rang from work to tell me that it was snowing Lithgow way. My sister was staying with us and it was her last day and being from the tropics, she (like us) was very excited. We set of in search of snow but after more than two hours driving (Lithgow is not that far - we took the "scenic" route - read "got a little lost") we didn't find any snow and return home very disappointed.

We took the kids to the fossil and mineral museum today and on our way home noticed that all the cars coming from the mountains were covered in snow. So, grabbing coats and beanies we set of in search of snow. This time we found it! We ended up on the lawn of a little church, nestled inside the pine forest, surrounded by beautiful white powdery snow. It was so much fun. The expressions on the kids faces, watching hubby play in the snow, hearing the crunch under your shoes - all just lovely.

So Heidi, here's proof, it does snow around here. And mum the photo of the little church is for you. I wish you could all be here today to join in our fun.

Sewing for summer

2008-07-26T21:09:00.003+10:00

Yesterday I ducked into Spotlight to buy a zipper for the stripy jacket, and while I was there I couldn't help but have a look at some fabric on the clearance table. I bought a few bits and pieces to start sewing some things for baby girl for this coming summer. I got started straight away.

This little dress should fit her at about 9 months (which is only 3 1/2 months away). I can't seem to take photos that show the fabric and detail well so the last photo is a close up to show this very pretty pinky-red material.

I am getting excited about summer!

Stripy Jacket

2008-07-26T09:25:00.002+10:00

The season is nearly over, but I couldn't help but sew just one more thing for my boy. I got this material out of the remnant bin for a dollar and so for that plus the price of the zipper he has got a jacket. I love making things like this and I am really hoping that I will be able to pass this jacket on to the girls in a year or two.

Veggie Patch

2008-07-24T13:05:00.004+10:00

My dream of a veggie patch is starting to take shape. The weekend just gone hubby spent a good day digging the soil over with the rotary hoe before building the box. We then spent about another day raking grass and twigs out of the bed. Now all that is missing is some organic matter and as soon as the weather turns I will be sewing some seed. Can't wait!

Reversible coat

2008-07-20T09:48:00.002+10:00

(This photo doesn't show very well but the patterned side of the coat also has little pockets )

It feels like I have been thinking about making this coat for months and now I have finally finished it. I am very happy with it and I got to use that lovely apple material again. Because it is fully reversible it means that I had to make the coat basically twice before sewing the bits together. For a while sewing the sleeves together had me puzzled but eventually I made sense out of the pattern instructions. It is obviously still a little big but with the long winter it will mean that she will get a lot more use out of it. The pattern is an Ottobre Design 1/2005

Staying out of trouble

2008-07-17T22:15:00.004+10:00

Bathurst is known for its winters. Cold and wet and sometimes even when it looks lovely outside, its not, the wind still chills you to the bone. This winter has been no different except that I now have 2 toddlers to keep busy. I once heard an interview of Kenny Rogers talking about his twin boys. He says: "Here's what I've learned about raising boys…if you keep 'em busy, they're fine, you let 'em get bored, they'll dismantle your house board by board." This is so true and not just of boys.

So, in order to keep the house intact we have been doing our best to stay busy. Here are a few pictures of what we have been up to:

Going 'camping' in the toy room

Giving Miss A's crazy hair a crazy makeover

Doing school with boy. Here he is learning about the letter 'T'.

Playing in the rain

Making spacemen out of styrofoam balls and aluminium foil

It has been a lot of fun coming up with things to capture and keep their attention. It however has also meant that I have not been able to get around to doing any sewing or craft. This was getting a little frustrating, and so today, while the sun was shining, I pushed then out the door and made a bee-line for my sewing machine. That reversable coat is finally getting some attention and I should have some pictures up soon.

Turning 2

2008-07-07T11:31:00.005+10:00

Miss A is turning 2 this week and so we had a little party for her over the weekend. A butterfly party. Her friends arrived just as she was waking up from her nap and she was a little bewildered with all the attention, people, food and gifts. It took her a little while but soon she was having a ball. Her aunties had made her some butterfly wings which she wore all afternoon and later insisted on taking to bed with her.

This was also the first time in nearly two years since all the siblings have been together. It was lovely to have a house full of people and life. There was somebody sleeping on every available piece of floor scape and food was disappearing faster than I could describe, but it was a wonderful weekend. I only wish that it had last a little longer.

My babies

2008-07-02T14:48:00.002+10:00

Tiaan 5 months old

Anja 5 months old

Alani 4 months old

When each of my babies were born it took me a good couple of days to get to know them. It was partly because when I first saw them they looked nothing like what I thought they would.

Boy was blond with blue eyes and I did not think this was even possible, given my dark features. So when little Anja was born, tiny and dark, I was again surprised and a little confused - weren't they all suppose to look the same? And then when baby girl was born she was dark like her sister but had features more similar to her brother.

I was looking through some photos today I realised how similar they really are. It turns out that I was wrong. They fit. They're ours. We'll keep them.

Present in the mail

2008-07-02T14:16:00.004+10:00

Look what Miss A received in the mail today hand knitted by her Ouma! Isn't it lovely? She loves it and it will be more than useful in this cold climate of ours.

Thanks mum!

The ritual of my life

2008-06-27T22:43:00.002+10:00

Its late and I should be heading of to bed. But I just want to share this thought with you. Lately I have been feeling rather trapped by the routine of my life. I feel guilty even saying this, but the day-to-day demands of being a mother, the nobody-else-can-do-this nature of it, is leaving me a little overwhelmed.

I remember the first night home from the hospital with our little boy. He cried and cried for over 3 hours and nothing would settle him. I looked up at my hubby and we were both fresh out of ideas of what to do. And it was in that moment that I realised that there was no 'out' in motherhood. Nobody was going to come in and get him and only bring him back when he is beautiful and quiet. We were his only parents and we would be for the rest of our lives.

While that is one amazing thing (something that makes me realise the price God payed by sending His Son for my sins) it is also the most terrifying thought. We don't get a second chance at this. This is it.
And when the days are long and I have spent months with these kids without even more than an hour "off" (like that exists in motherhood) I start to get a little resentful that this life, that I want so badly, is mine. That I don't just get to pop to town, go to the movies, buy groceries or anything without careful planning and first checking that the nappy bag is well stocked with nappies, wipes, snacks, drinks, and a packet of crayons. These trips also have to be planned around nap times and on days that the kids are in particularly good moods, sometimes it is best just to stay home and fight the battles in private.
Then on the days that I do get to go out on my own it is usually to the grocery store and I am bound by the 3 hours between breastfeeds, so even they have to be carefully timed.

Please don't misunderstand me, I love my children, I love our life! All I am saying it that I don't think we were created to do this alone. My hubby is possible the best daddy there is. He is involved, helps out, disciplines when necessary and rumbles and plays with the kids. In that respect I am not doing it alone. But the reality is that even when friends or family are able to give us an hour off, sometimes I still feel like I am doing it alone because they are my kids, my responsibility.

But then I remembered that I really am not alone, there is hope. The Lord offers us rest, He offers to carry our load.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my load is light" Matthew 11:28-30

I have been selfishly wanting a break from these kids, my kids, God's blessings to me. It is however the wrong thing to be hungry for. I should be hungry to God's rest and I should trust that He will provide me with tools and strength I need to raise my children to love and follow Him.

If you tonight are feeling like me, just a little trapped, run down and weary, then know that I am praying for you. May you find God's rest, may He be your safe place and may He wake you in the morning with renewed energy for our task ahead.

God bless!