Update

Oh dear, that last post was HEAVY.

Sorry about that. Didn't mean to make everyone live with me through the hard stuff. I find that when a memory like that pops into my mind, it will tend to stay there, milling around and around until I finally let it out. I think my "real life" friends are getting tired if hearing it all, all. the. time. So sorry blog friends, you got an ear-full.

Today will be a much lighter. I thought it time for a general update. Lots has happened over the last few months. We might have to add sub headings...

HOUSE

So we moved into this house. Its bigger (much) than the old place with a HUGE backyard full of...nothing. 2000sqm with absolutely nothing. Within a week of moving in we planted 5 trees and then a few weeks later started the work for a rather large veggie patch. We have also just invested in a few fruit trees and have plans for a few more to come.

Inside the progress has been a little slower. The kitchen, sadly, is pink. And if you know anything about me, pink is not a colour that I like, at all. And the walls, while it is tasteful, is painted a not-so-bad neutral that has a pink undertone. So, I have plans for this place, but first we need to get rid of the pink and that will require money and a lot of paint. I have none of either so, we wait.

Adrian has however done one thing inside the house that has made a massive difference. Our large L-shaped living room, was a very bad use of space. I used one corner as a sewing room and office, but it was always a mess and everybody coming into the house was faced squarely with said mess. So my darling husband (being the handy chippy that he is) build me a wall and added a door. I now officially own a sewing room! I have to share it with guests when they come to stay, but its a small price to pay for a space to be creative in.

WORK

Since getting married (while on the honeymoon, actually) Adrian got offered a position at the mines in Orange. He was very excited about the change to get back into mining and maybe to say goodbye to carpentry for good. The hours were insane. 12 hours shifts on a 4 day rotating roster.

4 day shifts

4 days off

4 night shifts

4 days off, etc

...add in 2 hours drive time everyday, it was nuts. He was always tired and the kids and I were struggling with routine and structure. So 6 months in he let that go and moved back to carpentry in town.

But, he hated it. He worked really hard, really long hours and was not enjoying where he was at, at all. But he didn't know where to go and while paying the mortgage on our new house (waiting for the other one to sell) he needed the work.

But God had other plans. He always does. Adrian was feeling restless for a reason and God wanted to get his attention. One Monday night whilst watching a little TV the phone rings. Its Adrians boss ringing to tell him that he had lost a major contract and now had no more work to offer him. We were shocked. What now?

It took nearly a month before Adrian finally found work again. It was tough. He really struggled with not having a job and worst still not knowing where to go next. Money was tight, but God provided EVERY time. And finally, in the midst of resumes and job applications, Adrian admitted that he has always thought about teaching. So he approached the university and found some more information. Its looking that as of next year February he will be going to uni. I am so proud of him. For the way he handled the difficult month, for finding little jobs to do in the meantime which kept food on our table, for being really honest, but mostly for listen to God and for being willing to make this radical change in career knowing he is being lead there.

FAMILY

As a blended family we have settled in with each other rather well. As can be expected there are some days that are harder than others, but God is so gracious and He is leading us every step of the way. We are learning to parent together and Adrian is getting used to the pace of family life.

Tiaan is now just shy of 7. He has got 2 brand new teeth, 3 missing teeth and 1 wobbly tooth. He is reading really well and is settled at school. He is my baby, but he is getting taller by the minute and I just know that in a few more years he will make me look short.

Anja turned 5 just last week. She is a gentle, quite spirit. She loves deeply and once you have gained her trust you will have a friend for life. She knows what she wants in life and at times we can lock heads, but I trust that Jesus has got a very special place for her. She starts school next year. She is excited and Mamma just wants to told her a little longer.

Alani is now 3.5. She sings and dances even when people are watching. She loves everybody and makes friends easily. She has totally wild hair and it matches who she is perfectly. At times it is hard to deal with her 3 yr old behaviour but every night after tucking her into bed she calls out - "Mamma, I love you much! I love you like a jellybean." All fights are forgiven.

And then in January 2012 we will be adding a little soul to our lives. I suspect this little one will be just as lovable and wonderful, but will look just a little different to the rest. Adrian will gain the title Daddy and my children will gain a little sibling. We genuinely cannot wait. I am starting to feel the gentle flutters of little feet in my belly and it brings with it waves of love and longing to meet this new little person.

So there you have it. Lots going on in our little lives. But its all good, because we serve a God who takes even the hard stuff and makes it perfect and uses it to bless us and to wrap us in His love.

Our days

It is nearly 6 months since we last saw Jouke. Its hard to believe. It only feels like yesterday, but then it also feels like a lifetime ago.
So much has changed. I have moved furniture around in the house and added some new pieces. My bed was the first to be moved. I turned it to face the other wall and added new bedding. It is still not easy to go to bed alone, but at least now it feels a little different, a little more possible. I moved the blue lounge out of the front room. It holds too many memories and at least now we can use that room again.

Our days are very different too. In order to cope we are keeping busy. Staying home all day is just too hard so I make sure that we go somewhere at least once a day. Our days are filled with people and while it can be exhausting I really don't know how else to cope right now.

I suppose though the biggest change is in our faces. We smile less. I try, for the kids' sake, but its just too hard some days. Our eyes are different too. My own eyes I hardly recognise and those of my children scare me sometimes.

Anja was very sad yesterday. When I asked her what was wrong she said that she missed me. "I miss you, I miss you and pappa." It breaks my heart. No kid should have to deal with that. I pray that in months to come I will be able to be more available to my children. Pray with me.

Treasures

Over the last couple of months I have been really thinking and wondering about abortion. I am troubled, concerned and deeply saddened by the ease with which children's lives are and can be ended legally and easily in Australia. While this is an issue that is close to my heart I do not feel qualified to write about it. By God's mercy I have not been in a situation of abuse or violence nor have I ever had an unwanted pregnancy.

I have, however, had 2 'unplanned' pregnancies. Pregnancies that according to my timetable were to soon and that interfered with my plans and my (perceived) ability to cope. I know the feeling of dread when you realise that a new life has been formed and the responsibilities that come with it. I know the shame wondering how I could let this happen (a thought born out of the mistaken believe that we somehow have power over life and death). I do not for a minute propose that I understand how somebody else with the same news felt, because my situation is different. My husband is loving and supportive, we are healthy and there is a stable income.
What I do know for a fact is that everyone of my children is a blessing. Every time we thought we wouldn't cope, we have. The Lord has cared and provided way beyond our wildest dreams.

I have been reading a very powerful book by Sarah Williams called The Shaming of the Strong: The challenge of an unborn life. It is her story about finding out that the child she was carrying would not live beyond birth. She powerfully tells of the decision to carry the child to term despite major health issues and a tremendous amount of pain. In her final chapter she writes this:

"She was an unexpected treasure. She appeared at first to be the loss of hope and the disruption of all my plans, but through her, God came close to me again, wild and beautiful, good and gracious, strangely familiar but infinately exciting...Cerian was, by the world's definition, a weak thing, but the beauty and completeness of her personhood had nullified the value system to which I had subscribed for so long."

Tonight I do not want to debate about when life begins or point fingers and cast blame - there is enough of that in the world. I simple want to suggest that these unplanned children that we choosing to get rid of, are all unexpected treasures. What if (had I not been convicted otherwise) decided to abort one of my untimely pregnancies? I tear-up at the though of not having known my girls and the richness and joy they bring everyday. It would have been treasures lost.

I have friends who are not able to have children and who are struggling to adopt because there simply are not enough babies placed for adoption as a result of our high rate of abortion. Treasures that are lost that would have been loved and cared for by people like my friends.

I you are reading this, facing an untimely pregnancy, I want to encourage you to seek an alternative to abortion. There are many great websites out there that provided fantastic information that will help you to understand the choice you are facing. I am no expert, I am just a mum who was and continues to be amazed by the gift of my children. When I thought we wouldn't cope Jesus provided hope and continues daily to uphold us by his love and mercy. He cares and loves you and your little one more than you will ever know.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"

2 Corinthians 12:9

Jet party

Ready for take off!

With the remote control car Pappa bought him. As you can tell he loves it.

We held Tiaan's 4th birthday party on the weekend. What an event! He had about 15 little friends over for a sausage sizzle and some jet cake. There was playing, glow sticks, balloons, eating and a whole lot of laughing. He had so much fun and went to bed exhausted but very happy. Right now they are building birthday cakes in the sandpit and playing party, so it must have been a hit. Sadly I was to busy to take many photo's so these will have to do.

Just for show

I took come photos of Anja yesterday to show some of our op shop finds. I came home with two bags filled with wonderful things including shoes, clothes, Tupperware, puzzles and Anja's new favourite toy - Little Bear. But while I am posting I will take the opportunity to show off a little - aren't they just lovely?