19 December 2001

Through the pain

Just yesterday I started writing a post about how blissfully normal my life has become. But distracted by the the blissful 'normalness' I didn't complete what I was writing.

Completely true to form, today is anything from blissful. Grief is taken a hold again and today I am having trouble focusing on anything positive. But, I will remind myself, life is good, blissful, normal and completely OK. This turmoil I feel is not 'out there' but 'in here' and really everything is ok. It is just me, feeling all this awfulness fresh today.

I refuse to be dragged down by it. While there has to be space in my life for grief and pain, to allow healthy grieving, I will not be dragged down to a pit of darkness that will take me days or weeks to climb out of. So, instead, I will recognize, that this 19th would have been our wedding anniversary and that yes it is still awful here without Jouke. Yes, I still miss him. Everything about him. And yes, it still hurts. A lot.

But I was also recognize that I am surrounded by so many GREAT things.

I am surrounded by 3 little humans who I love because:

* they remind me everyday of their Pappa

* they are complete human beings with their own personalities, sense of humour, fears, quirks and oddities and that makes everyday busy and fun

* they learn new things everyday and life is new and exciting through their eyes

* I get many fuzzy hugs everyday (sometimes because they need them, but mostly because I need to feel their little arms around my neck)

* they say the funniest things

* they love me right back

I am loved by a great guy whom I love because:

* he so willingly puts up with all of us and does so with a smile

* he never answers the phone in a normal way.

* he calls me princess, babe or bub

* he loves fun and is fun to be around

* things get done with he is home. He's not lazy and doesn't mind helping out

* he has got a big heart and thinks of others first

* he loves me right back

So, see, when you think about it, everything is OK. Because I am surrounded by love. And because I know that this is what Jouke would have wanted for us. To get on with it, to be loved and to fight through the pain to see all the good things everyday.