Update

Oh dear, that last post was HEAVY.

Sorry about that. Didn't mean to make everyone live with me through the hard stuff. I find that when a memory like that pops into my mind, it will tend to stay there, milling around and around until I finally let it out. I think my "real life" friends are getting tired if hearing it all, all. the. time. So sorry blog friends, you got an ear-full.

Today will be a much lighter. I thought it time for a general update. Lots has happened over the last few months. We might have to add sub headings...

HOUSE

So we moved into this house. Its bigger (much) than the old place with a HUGE backyard full of...nothing. 2000sqm with absolutely nothing. Within a week of moving in we planted 5 trees and then a few weeks later started the work for a rather large veggie patch. We have also just invested in a few fruit trees and have plans for a few more to come.

Inside the progress has been a little slower. The kitchen, sadly, is pink. And if you know anything about me, pink is not a colour that I like, at all. And the walls, while it is tasteful, is painted a not-so-bad neutral that has a pink undertone. So, I have plans for this place, but first we need to get rid of the pink and that will require money and a lot of paint. I have none of either so, we wait.

Adrian has however done one thing inside the house that has made a massive difference. Our large L-shaped living room, was a very bad use of space. I used one corner as a sewing room and office, but it was always a mess and everybody coming into the house was faced squarely with said mess. So my darling husband (being the handy chippy that he is) build me a wall and added a door. I now officially own a sewing room! I have to share it with guests when they come to stay, but its a small price to pay for a space to be creative in.

WORK

Since getting married (while on the honeymoon, actually) Adrian got offered a position at the mines in Orange. He was very excited about the change to get back into mining and maybe to say goodbye to carpentry for good. The hours were insane. 12 hours shifts on a 4 day rotating roster.

4 day shifts

4 days off

4 night shifts

4 days off, etc

...add in 2 hours drive time everyday, it was nuts. He was always tired and the kids and I were struggling with routine and structure. So 6 months in he let that go and moved back to carpentry in town.

But, he hated it. He worked really hard, really long hours and was not enjoying where he was at, at all. But he didn't know where to go and while paying the mortgage on our new house (waiting for the other one to sell) he needed the work.

But God had other plans. He always does. Adrian was feeling restless for a reason and God wanted to get his attention. One Monday night whilst watching a little TV the phone rings. Its Adrians boss ringing to tell him that he had lost a major contract and now had no more work to offer him. We were shocked. What now?

It took nearly a month before Adrian finally found work again. It was tough. He really struggled with not having a job and worst still not knowing where to go next. Money was tight, but God provided EVERY time. And finally, in the midst of resumes and job applications, Adrian admitted that he has always thought about teaching. So he approached the university and found some more information. Its looking that as of next year February he will be going to uni. I am so proud of him. For the way he handled the difficult month, for finding little jobs to do in the meantime which kept food on our table, for being really honest, but mostly for listen to God and for being willing to make this radical change in career knowing he is being lead there.

FAMILY

As a blended family we have settled in with each other rather well. As can be expected there are some days that are harder than others, but God is so gracious and He is leading us every step of the way. We are learning to parent together and Adrian is getting used to the pace of family life.

Tiaan is now just shy of 7. He has got 2 brand new teeth, 3 missing teeth and 1 wobbly tooth. He is reading really well and is settled at school. He is my baby, but he is getting taller by the minute and I just know that in a few more years he will make me look short.

Anja turned 5 just last week. She is a gentle, quite spirit. She loves deeply and once you have gained her trust you will have a friend for life. She knows what she wants in life and at times we can lock heads, but I trust that Jesus has got a very special place for her. She starts school next year. She is excited and Mamma just wants to told her a little longer.

Alani is now 3.5. She sings and dances even when people are watching. She loves everybody and makes friends easily. She has totally wild hair and it matches who she is perfectly. At times it is hard to deal with her 3 yr old behaviour but every night after tucking her into bed she calls out - "Mamma, I love you much! I love you like a jellybean." All fights are forgiven.

And then in January 2012 we will be adding a little soul to our lives. I suspect this little one will be just as lovable and wonderful, but will look just a little different to the rest. Adrian will gain the title Daddy and my children will gain a little sibling. We genuinely cannot wait. I am starting to feel the gentle flutters of little feet in my belly and it brings with it waves of love and longing to meet this new little person.

So there you have it. Lots going on in our little lives. But its all good, because we serve a God who takes even the hard stuff and makes it perfect and uses it to bless us and to wrap us in His love.

6 months

That long already? I know its not technically the 4th but Wednesday is just a tough day. Couple that with father's day on Sunday and it is proving to be a really hard week. I hate it. I hate that anniversaries matters. Hate that I have survived for 6 months without him here.

So how I am really doing? Everybody wants to know. Not everybody can handle knowing the truth. I often answer "Doing as best as we can, thanks". Another woman on a similar path as me wrote in her blog:

I suspect that being near me is like looking into the sun. It hurts. You can't look directly at it for too long. Watching my pain must be painful for others. I don't envy them. It is hard for everyone, and those who are near me are especially brave.

So how are we really doing?

* Anja is struggling hugely. She has regressed in many areas of her development. She is back in nappies, she needs help dressing & eating and has become quiet and withdrawn. She hasn't got the language abilities to put into words her pain or even her memories. She is coping as best as she can, but I worry about her.

* Tiaan is such a beautiful boy. He was very close to Jouke and is having trouble accepting that this is real. He is asking lots of hard questions. I hate that his little head is worrying about such big things. He asked me the other day if I had got a chance to say goodbye to pappa. He is worrying about me. Worrying that I didn't get to say goodbye. My heart breaks for him.

* Alani has lived a 3rd of her live without a daddy. A 3rd! That makes me cry.

Two mornings ago she climbed out of bed and ran around the house calling "Pappa! Pappa!" How is that? She was only 12 months old the last time he was home, but she knows he is missing. It just shows you that we are made with the need to have a father figure in our lives.

* I am broken on the inside. I am changed. Hardened. I have built a wall around me, not really letting people close, not really letting anything out. I function because I have to. I try not to think about it. Really though, I am sad. Just so sad. And sick of being sad.

I am struggling hugely with knowing who I am without him. What to cook for dinner, what type of shampoo to buy, what to wear. All the thousand decisions we make everyday I made with him in mind. I don't even know what I like without him. I am trying to work it out.

So yeah, this is tough. I wouldn't wish this on anybody. But, I am coming to understand God's grace in a way that I never have. I am starting to see that life is not about what I want but more about how God is shaping me for his glory. I am seeing God's love practically through his people everyday. I am anxiously waiting for heaven - it is so real!

And a hope is growing in my heart, that through all this we will come out the other side. God is not done with us yet. He wouldn't leave me like this.

Post Christmas update

Hi to all who have been patiently waiting for an update. Sorry things around here have been somewhat crazy and finding time to sit down and write has been difficult. If you are checking in for some sewing you will be sadly disappointed as I have not sat down to sew anything in a good long time. This is not a fact that pleases me, but then sometimes you just have to know your limits.

I thought though that I will give you a quick update of what has been happening around here:

* Jouke and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary this week. It has been 7 great years and we look forward to many more.

* Tiaan is officially enrolled at the Christian school for pre-kindy. I tossed and turned about homeschooling for a while but in the end realised that it was not something that would be possible for our family. So two days a week he will be going to preschool and the year after he will be a big boy in kindy.

* Last weekend we had 3 inches of rain in a night. It was great, but our back room got a little soggy. We had to pull the, already tattered, carpet up. The floating floor is ordered, now it is just a matter of making sure the water stays out next time.

* Alani has started crawling. She is not on all fours but is doing it commando style. Even so, she has become rather good at getting around and a little expert at opening cupboard doors and unpacking the contents.

* I have started weaning Baby Girl. She was born weighing in at the 90th percentile and has slipped down to the 10th. While she is eating well I just don't think I have enough milk to give her what she needs. I am a little sad that this part is almost over, but if this is what she needs to thrive than so be it. Plus if she will be a happier girl than even better.

That is about what we are up to. I wish everybody a wonderful Christmas. May you come the know the greatest Gift of all - Jesus.

Treasures

Over the last couple of months I have been really thinking and wondering about abortion. I am troubled, concerned and deeply saddened by the ease with which children's lives are and can be ended legally and easily in Australia. While this is an issue that is close to my heart I do not feel qualified to write about it. By God's mercy I have not been in a situation of abuse or violence nor have I ever had an unwanted pregnancy.

I have, however, had 2 'unplanned' pregnancies. Pregnancies that according to my timetable were to soon and that interfered with my plans and my (perceived) ability to cope. I know the feeling of dread when you realise that a new life has been formed and the responsibilities that come with it. I know the shame wondering how I could let this happen (a thought born out of the mistaken believe that we somehow have power over life and death). I do not for a minute propose that I understand how somebody else with the same news felt, because my situation is different. My husband is loving and supportive, we are healthy and there is a stable income.
What I do know for a fact is that everyone of my children is a blessing. Every time we thought we wouldn't cope, we have. The Lord has cared and provided way beyond our wildest dreams.

I have been reading a very powerful book by Sarah Williams called The Shaming of the Strong: The challenge of an unborn life. It is her story about finding out that the child she was carrying would not live beyond birth. She powerfully tells of the decision to carry the child to term despite major health issues and a tremendous amount of pain. In her final chapter she writes this:

"She was an unexpected treasure. She appeared at first to be the loss of hope and the disruption of all my plans, but through her, God came close to me again, wild and beautiful, good and gracious, strangely familiar but infinately exciting...Cerian was, by the world's definition, a weak thing, but the beauty and completeness of her personhood had nullified the value system to which I had subscribed for so long."

Tonight I do not want to debate about when life begins or point fingers and cast blame - there is enough of that in the world. I simple want to suggest that these unplanned children that we choosing to get rid of, are all unexpected treasures. What if (had I not been convicted otherwise) decided to abort one of my untimely pregnancies? I tear-up at the though of not having known my girls and the richness and joy they bring everyday. It would have been treasures lost.

I have friends who are not able to have children and who are struggling to adopt because there simply are not enough babies placed for adoption as a result of our high rate of abortion. Treasures that are lost that would have been loved and cared for by people like my friends.

I you are reading this, facing an untimely pregnancy, I want to encourage you to seek an alternative to abortion. There are many great websites out there that provided fantastic information that will help you to understand the choice you are facing. I am no expert, I am just a mum who was and continues to be amazed by the gift of my children. When I thought we wouldn't cope Jesus provided hope and continues daily to uphold us by his love and mercy. He cares and loves you and your little one more than you will ever know.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"

2 Corinthians 12:9

Happy birthday, Mum!

Mum will not like me telling people, but tomorrow she is turning 50. Sadly, due to many different reasons, we are not able to be with her on her birthday. I so wish it was not so, how I would have loved to have shared this day with her. Instead I thought I would write a little about the things my mother taught me.

1. Girls who sit on the table will never get married. (I proved her wrong, but I can still hear her saying it.)

2. If you lay down when you eat you will grow horns. (Not entirely true, but I now say it to my kids.)

3. That it is worth unpicking and redoing it. It will look better and you will be a lot happier with the end result.

4. That is doesn’t matter so much how far you come in this life as long as you are in a right relationship with Jesus, and make it to heaven.

5. The being a stay-at-home mum is a honourable and God given occupation. Mum never made excuses for being home and raising us 4. She did it well, teaching and training us to love and follow Jesus. Now as adults all her children are in a right relationship with Him.

6. To always have a few dollars hidden in your wallet for those unexpected things in life. Plus it makes for a nice surprise when you happen upon it one day.

7. To keep a home that is open and inviting and to always have space at the table for one more.

8. How to be a good wife. When Jouke and I first got married I struggled to make him the first person I would turn to in a crisis. It was easier to ring mum or to talk to a friend about the things happening in my life, as this is what I was used to. Mum reminded me that that should be Jouke’s role. Mum and Dad have got a wonderful marriage (of 32 years). The love, devotion and support she gives dad everyday has been so powerful.

9. To spend quiet time with God. I don’t remember being told that daily devotionals were important, but I remember “catching” mum reading her Bible many a times.

10. To have dinner at the table with my family as often as possible

11. The rules of tennis

12. Mum is a brilliant seamstress and any bit of ability I have got I owe to her.

13. How to love my children.

14. You don't need a pantry full of food to serve up a great meal. Tinned corn, some leftovers, eggs and green beans is all she needed to feed an army in 15 minutes flat.

15. Many, many countless things. I find myself doing more and more things like you would have. I even sound just like you at times.

Mum, when I think of you I think of Philippians 4:5 that says: Let your gentleness be evident to all. Your gentle spirit draws people to you and provides a safe place for us all. You are a true Proverbs 31 women, ever striving to be more like Jesus. I will forever be thankful that I can call you Mamma. You will always the voice in my head teaching and guiding me as I now seek to raise my little ones to know and follow Jesus. I am so glad that you are their Ouma and I have full confidence that any time they spend with you will be filled with only good things.

Happy birthday mum, have a wonderful day! I love you!