Wednesday, September 2, 2009

6 months

That long already? I know its not technically the 4th but Wednesday is just a tough day. Couple that with father's day on Sunday and it is proving to be a really hard week. I hate it. I hate that anniversaries matters. Hate that I have survived for 6 months without him here.

So how I am really doing? Everybody wants to know. Not everybody can handle knowing the truth. I often answer "Doing as best as we can, thanks". Another woman on a similar path as me wrote in her blog:

I suspect that being near me is like looking into the sun. It hurts. You can't look directly at it for too long. Watching my pain must be painful for others. I don't envy them. It is hard for everyone, and those who are near me are especially brave.

So how are we really doing?

* Anja is struggling hugely. She has regressed in many areas of her development. She is back in nappies, she needs help dressing & eating and has become quiet and withdrawn. She hasn't got the language abilities to put into words her pain or even her memories. She is coping as best as she can, but I worry about her.

* Tiaan is such a beautiful boy. He was very close to Jouke and is having trouble accepting that this is real. He is asking lots of hard questions. I hate that his little head is worrying about such big things. He asked me the other day if I had got a chance to say goodbye to pappa. He is worrying about me. Worrying that I didn't get to say goodbye. My heart breaks for him.

* Alani has lived a 3rd of her live without a daddy. A 3rd! That makes me cry.
Two mornings ago she climbed out of bed and ran around the house calling "Pappa! Pappa!" How is that? She was only 12 months old the last time he was home, but she knows he is missing. It just shows you that we are made with the need to have a father figure in our lives.

* I am broken on the inside. I am changed. Hardened. I have built a wall around me, not really letting people close, not really letting anything out. I function because I have to. I try not to think about it. Really though, I am sad. Just so sad. And sick of being sad.
I am struggling hugely with knowing who I am without him. What to cook for dinner, what type of shampoo to buy, what to wear. All the thousand decisions we make everyday I made with him in mind. I don't even know what I like without him. I am trying to work it out.

So yeah, this is tough. I wouldn't wish this on anybody. But, I am coming to understand God's grace in a way that I never have. I am starting to see that life is not about what I want but more about how God is shaping me for his glory. I am seeing God's love practically through his people everyday. I am anxiously waiting for heaven - it is so real!
And a hope is growing in my heart, that through all this we will come out the other side. God is not done with us yet. He wouldn't leave me like this.


AFM said...

Big Hugs for a terrible week. My prayers are with you and your little ones this week and every week. I pray that one day memory lane won't make you so sad.

Leah said...

I am glad you're beginning to see glimmers of hope.

rupping said...

My hart breek elke keer as ek aan julle dink. Dit is hartseer vir my, want ek het ‘n broer verloor, en julle het ‘n man en pappa verloor. Jouke het die vreugde van man en pa wees nie meer nie.

Ek kan nie wegkom van die hartseer nie, elke keer as ek my meisiekind se magie vreet, of Rupping ’n storie vertel of in die tuin werk of met hom stoei, besef ek dat Jouke dit nie meer kan doen nie, en dat dit weg geneem is van sy kinders en vrou. Daar gaan nie ‘n dag verby dat ek nie aan julle dink nie. Party dae vee ek die traan uit my oë en ander dae skut ek maar net my kop en vra dat God my dit eendag sal laat verstaan.
Ek verstaan dit nie.
Van ons drie broers is ek van mening dat hy die suiwerste van hart is. Dit is in sy natuur om goed te wees. Dan is hy mos die laaste om dit wat sy gesin getref het te verdien. Ek verstaan nie waar God hom nou gebruik nie, en hoe dit goed is vir sy jong gesin sonder hom nie – hulle is nou op so ‘n ouderdom waar ‘n pappa tog van soveel waarde is!
Ek mis hom, en my hart breek elke keer as ek aan sy gesin dink sonder hom – die verwagtinge en drome wat nie meer is wat ons wou hê nie. As mens net antwoorde op die hoekom kon hê sodat dit nie so onregverdig lyk nie. Ek dink nie die hartseer gaan weg met tyd nie, dit voel of dit maar net meer en meer deel word van ‘n mens.
Ons vertrou op Hom om ons te troos

marli said...

Thanks Ansia for blogging about what you are thinking and feeling. I'm a bit like the person that your quote was saying (don't want to look at the hurt for too long) and more to the piont I don't know how to handle things.

You write about the tings that I would like to ask and know but don't have the courage to do so.

I always read your blog and pray for you and the kids. If there is anything we can do from here please let us know. And I will strive to be a better sister and ask you the tough questions.