I ♥ U

The strangest thing happened to me today.

I spend a wonderful day in Sydney with a friend while my kids were being cared for by another of my dear friends. Novelty. Spending the day without kids. Watching a show. Catching up.

All day, though, I was dreading the drive home. Alone, just as the sun was setting. As I mentioned in earlier posts, I'm not so confident with driving.

I set of for home nervously at first, but soon found myself relaxing and rather enjoying the time in my own thoughts. The music was turned right up and I was one of those people singing to themselves in the car, looking like an idiot.

About halfway home I noticed heavy rain clouds and they made nervous.

I don't do storms.

I don't like wind.

Rain freaks me out.

I never have and probably never will. Jouke loved rain and storms.

I DON'T!

After another 10 minutes driving I started to realise that I was about to drive right into the middle of that storm and then I began to really panic. I called a friend at home who tells me that the storm had just pasted through and that it dropped a fair amount of hail and she thought it best that I find cover.

Now I am praying aloud. Shaking with fear, I pull over just as the wind begins to rock the car and minutes later the hail and rain comes. I wait it out. The lightning strikes as the thunder sounds and the sky turns orange. If I wasn't so scared it would have been beautiful.

As the wind and rain ease I hit the road again. Its still raining but the storm is passing and ahead I can see clear sky as the sun sets.

And then I see it. In the clouds. As if written by hand or some sky-writing plane:

I ♥ U

For 10 minutes it stays in the sky, right in front of me. (I know, it sounds nuts. If I had a camera I would have taken a photo.) Now, I'm not one to look for signs, but this was undeniable. It was real. I like to think that it was a message. From Jouke? From Jesus? Both? Either way - WOW!!!!!!

When I get home and get out of the car I look back to where I had come from. Black. The sky is black and angry looking. In front of me though, the sky is clearing and in then middle are those words.

I ♥ U

Maybe its a metaphor, a synonym, a parallel for this road I'm walking. Maybe God is showing me where I've been and what is in front of me. I ache everyday to know if Jouke still loves me. To know that I am still worthy of love. God answered that prayer tonight. He is carrying me through this storm and He is loving me even when I feel rather unlovable.

How I love seeing God's majesty displayed!!

Changed

Anger.

I think that is where I am right now. I thought that given that I now know how fleeting this life can be that I would be willing to forgive more, love more, excuse more. Instead, its the opposite.

I have my hackles up. All. the. time.

I feel like I have to stand up for my self. Fight for my kids. Explain myself. Defend, defend, defend!

Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't remember being this way 'before'. Sure, I got mad, had fights, but I never let things fester before. Didn't mind backing down.

Why do I feel so defensive? Why can't I let things go?

Grief is changing me.

Loosing Jouke has changed me.

I am praying that this is a stage, part of the process. I am praying the those I love and those I hurt will be patient with me. I am praying that instead of being hardened by this loss, I will be softened, humbled and be made useful.