Thursday, January 7, 2010


I think that is where I am right now. I thought that given that I now know how fleeting this life can be that I would be willing to forgive more, love more, excuse more. Instead, its the opposite.

I have my hackles up. All. the. time.

I feel like I have to stand up for my self. Fight for my kids. Explain myself. Defend, defend, defend!

Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't remember being this way 'before'. Sure, I got mad, had fights, but I never let things fester before. Didn't mind backing down.

Why do I feel so defensive? Why can't I let things go?

Grief is changing me.
Loosing Jouke has changed me.

I am praying that this is a stage, part of the process. I am praying the those I love and those I hurt will be patient with me. I am praying that instead of being hardened by this loss, I will be softened, humbled and be made useful.


heila said...

Because men see things differently. Telling them make you look at it through their eyes and then it doesn't look that bad. May God be with you.

Leah said...

I think anger is a normal part of grief. I don't think you need to worry that it's a permanent change... but rather part of the process :) Praying that you'll continue to grow through the process and God will be merciful and gracious...