Thursday, December 31, 2009

Moving on

Tomorrow is the start of another year. 2010. A new decade really.
I have been wondering what this year will hold. I have many things that I would like to do, but I'm not planning really, plans are hopeless anyway. We know life can change in a moment. Its more things I wouldn't mind getting around to should I find the time.

What I most want, however, I can't have. I can't plan.
I want this grief to stop. I want to feel better and be better company. That said, I think this year in some ways is going to be harder than the last. Sure, I have learned or adapted to living this life. I now know that I am capable of far more than I ever gave myself credit for. I am far more aware of God's grace and his powerful hand carrying me through.

What is flooring me though is this need/expectation that I should move on. That given that the "firsts" are nearly over that I will wake one morning and feel better.

I don't. I don't feel any better. I feel more lonely, more scared and I ache to have Jouke back. I long to know again what it feels like to fall asleep in his arms or to hear his laugh. I long for the feeling that everything is right in my world and it kills me that I may never again. I long for my kids to have 2 parents.

So, yes I want to "move on", and shake some of this grief, but I don't want to loose him again. I don't want to cut him from my life and I don't want another in his place.

I want Jouke.

That's what I want most.


Leah said...

Are these expectations coming from yourself, or other people??

I'd be horrified if other people were expecting you to 'move on' by now. That's awful.

Ansia said...

Leah, I'm not always sure where exactly these expectations are coming from.
Sure, there are days when I am hard on myself and I just want to get on with it - feel better. Some days I expect me to wake up and feel better and I get very down when by the end of the day I am left in a crumbly heap once again.

But then there are people who, not by their words, show me that they are sick of my story, sick of my tears. For these people my grief makes them uncomfortable and it means they have to face their own immortality. Grief is very selfish. Grieving people are very selfish. Sometimes I get why people need me to move on. Its hard work.
I also think that there are some people (and I am talking very generally here) who want to 'fix' everything. Fix my house, fix the kids, fix the car, fix me. The problem though is that this is the one problem to which there is no earthly solution. Nothing makes it better. Nothing brings him back. For fixers thats hard.