Understanding

A few nights ago, Tiaan called out to me from his bed. "Can I phone Pappa, please?", he asked. "Oh sweet, you know that we can't phone Pappa. How I wish we could." A flood to tears followed, gut wrenching tears. He was so sad. Finally he lifts his head, "He's never coming back, is he?".

What a horrible thing for a little boy to finally understand.

I knew that day would come, the day when the kids will finally begin to understand permanence of death and what that means for us. But I was not ready. I'm still not.

While we have been given a new beginning, a new promises for the future and joy, it does not take away our deep sense of loss. There are days at a time when life feels normal and we get on with things and we are living, not just surviving. But then there are days, like yesterday, when the loss of Jouke, of Pappa, of a really great guy, threatens to consume us again.

For me personally watching my kids hurt is the hardest. I feel so completely helpless.