Saturday, March 10, 2012

Dismount with gratitude

Its dark down there. Ugly dark. When I stand close enough to the edge I can feel a cold, cold breeze coming up from the bottom and it chills me to the core. Its slippery paths that leads me there are treacherous and lonely and once you have walked them turning back is not always easy. That black pit, it scares me and yet here I find myself standing at its edges again. I have been here before. Once. After Jouke died. The black hole of depression nearly pulled me in. Nearly took all of me.

But I choose to not let it take me, for me but mostly for my kids. I fought with all that I was and with everything I had and I won. Slowly the sun was warm again. Slowly the stench and filth of that dark, ugly place left me, bit by bit.

Now 3 years later I am finding myself on that edge again, looking down at blackness and knowing that if I do not turn and fight, turn and run, turn and CHOOSE to win, I will be sucked in. Why now? The left-over, rippling effects of grief? The aftermath of a hard pregnancy and rocky start? Exhaustion? A disconnect from God and failing to spend time with Him?
I suspect all of these.

So this is me choosing to not go there. Choosing to win, for me but mostly for my kids. Because they do not deserve to loose 2 parents, because as a mother its my job to be there, to be available and to teach my children that life is worth it.

I have this posted on my kitchen wall. I look at it often but rarely to I see. This morning a saw and this was my challenge:

Today, when stress mounts, I pray to dismount it with gratitude. My stress management plan will be intervention with verbal thanks. I can only feel one feeling at a time, and I choose to give thanks at all times. Fight feeling with feeling!

Gratefulness. For the big, for the small, for the everyday, for the unseen, for the obvious and for every gift given everyday that I take for granted. It will start a gratitude journal today. I will commit to everyday finding joy in every small blessing. Because I serve a God that is good, that gives only good things.

I will endeavour to post most days with the things I am choosing to see. The beauty of everyday. Even if I don't post here I will still be writing in my journal. I am starting today. I am choosing to fight.

1 comment:

AFM said...

Hugs and prayers for the rough days.
by choosing to fight you are half way there already.
thoughts and prayers are with you always
take care