Riding Away

I have listed Jouke's bike on eBay.

If all goes well buy Sunday night is should be sold. Its tearing me up inside. This beat up, 13 year old, beast is one of Jouke's most treasured possessions. He loved it. Much time and money was spend tinkering and looking at this machine. Riding it through the state forest or just around the block brought him immense joy. The smile on his wind blown face told me that this was one of the things that made him feel alive.

But it has to go. The first real thing that I am letting go of. I feel so guilty. I'm doing it for the money.

I remember about 3 years back when I was frantically de-cluttering, I made the fatal error of giving some of his things away without his consent. They were carved wooden animals that we had bought on a trip to South Africa, after we both promised to not spend any money. On returning to the car we sheepishly admitted to each other that we both couldn't say no and had both ended up buying the beautiful, but ultimately, useless objects out of pity for the sellers.

So when I decided to give them away, I honestly didn't think that it would be an issue. I was wrong. He was so mad and I still remember him say something about 'don't every give away my stuff'. Afterward we laughed about it but at the time, my usually mild mannered husband, was really upset.

So you see my problem. I can still see his smile behind his helmet, can still smell the petrol fumes on his clothes, can still hear the roar of the engine. And I can still she how mad he was about those silly statues.

Then to add insult to injury, people have been emailing with ridiculous offers. Some up to a third less than the starting bid. How rude! Had they known the gravity of this sale and the importance of this bike, they would not dare, they wouldn't even suggest it.

Letting go. Its just stuff. Just metal and rubber and plastic. It feels like I am loosing him again.