Wednesday, November 18, 2009


Today I am falling, tumbling, spiraling toward that really dark, dark grief place. Grief is constant, always there, part of who I am. I don't like it, yet is seems like my one tangible link to the loss of a great man. Take it away and you remove some of me, some of our love. Knowing and marrying Jouke changed me and now loosing him has changed me again.

But that really dark grief I hate. The place where I struggle to function. I can do little more than take care of my children's basic needs. They know it and become needy and demanding in an attempt to bring me back. I see it, I know what is going on. I can't change it.
In that place I relive it all. I feel what I try so hard to run away from. I ache and cry and feel trapped in my own skin. My greatest enemy is my own thoughts and I struggle to turn them off or even down. The lump in the back of my throat that I constantly have to swallow past, threatens to, at any moment, reduce me to a ball of tears.

Not today, I pray. But the train is approaching with phenomenal speed. It cannot be stopped.


Fiona said...

I came across your blog today as a blog I had put in my favorites some 12 months ago.
I am absolutley astounded by your faith and strength in the Lord at this hard time, I want to give you my encouragement and prayers. I know they really don't make anything easier but just felt like a wanted to let you know,

Keeping on keeping on one day at a time, rememeber the big plan,

Kind Thougths and Prayers,


Ansia said...

Fiona, I know it has been a while since you left a comment, but I just wanted to thank you for your prayers. We serve a real and loving God. He hears your prayers and He carries me when I cannot walk another step.