Pause

It is 8:30pm. I am covered in grass, hot and sweaty. I just finished moving the lawn, but I ran out of fuel as the sun set, so for today I am done.

This makes me mad.

Not mowing the lawn, but needing to mow it late, after the kids are in bed and having to stop because I can't go get more fuel while the kids are in bed. Not to mention - I can't see where I am going anymore.

Today the burden of responsibility feels to heavy to carry. I am 28. 28! What 28 year old carries this weight of responsibility? How is it that at this age when most people are just settling down for the first time or are busily climbing the corporate ladder, I am left dealing with all this?

I love my kids. I do. Everyday they are the reason I get up and function. They are the reason I want to "get better". I will not want to trade them - EVER. But some days this is too hard. Caring for them while they grieve.

Caring for them full stop.

I knew before I became a parent that this job is hard work. I knew it was a long time commitment. I thought it would be a job shared. Thought that I would have a fall-back.

Last night I had a really horrible dream. Horrible and all day I have been followed by it. And then tonight I realised that I NEED A BREAK!!

I do breakfast every morning, I care for the house, I care for the dogs, I care for the yard, I feed everyone, I clean everything, and every night I tuck 3 little bodies into bed. Then, instead of the reward of a job well done I am then faced with a long lonely night until sleep finally comes. Sleep, my only break. Unless I dream like I did last night, and then I get no rest ALL DAY LONG!

I need to find a pause button somewhere. I want to stop the ride and get off. I want to for just a few moments not have to carry this load, do all these things. I want to shake the responsibility.

I am just. so. TIRED!