The thing that I lost that scared me most however, was the loss of dreams and a hope for the future. Every dream I held for me and the kids was coupled to Jouke. Every plan I had for us was buried with him that day. Suddenly, we were living (if you could call it that) minute by minute. Suddenly I could not plan my day beyond lunch and then beyond getting the kids to bed. Little chucks at a time. No hope for the future, no planning beyond today.
New Years eve I remember sitting alone at home and just crying. Terrible sad, heartbreaking sobs. I cried for the loss of Jouke, but also for the loss of me, my dreams, my future and the utter loneliness I felt. It was that night that I decided I could not live like this anymore. I loved Jouke, and I always will, but I could not hold on to him any longer because I was dying too. I uncoupled my self that night. I took my wedding band off, not long after. I stopped feeling married and in the process allowed myself to begin the dream of a new future.
Little did I know God's plans. Little did I know exactly how wonderfully and beautifully God answers prayer. Little than 2 months later, I am dreaming again. I am happy and excited. And I am loved.
One of Jouke's mates has been coming around weekly to make sure we are ok and to spend time with the kids. He did not come around expecting anything in return. He did not show up with any other intention, but to be a faithful mate and to make sure that Jouke's family was looked after. And then one night, suddenly, things changed.
He saw me.
I praise God! He is a wonderful man who is willing and wanting to take on this package deal. He knows loving me means loving my children and he does so shamelessly. He realises what I (and Jouke) had to loose for us to find each other and he is not scared. Jouke will always be part of us and he is ok with that.
I cannot even begin to tell you about God's grace and mercy. I cannot begin to explain to you the power of God and how he answers prayer. All this is God's doing, without Him this smile on my face would not be possible. I thank you Jesus.
I am dreaming again. Wonderful new dreams. Hope is a beautiful thing.