Sunday, August 23, 2009

Reality hits

This grieving thing is strange. In the weeks following the accident I often thought that instead of feeling all the emotions one would imagine feeling when your husband dies, I was feeling nothing. No, not nothing, but not anything like I imagined one would. The funeral was difficult, but in the hours that followed I felt weirdly relieved. Days would pass without any tears and while I constantly thought about Jouke and my loss I was able to completely distance myself from the reality, the gravity of the truth.

There were moments that things got rough. 5pm on a Wednesday still is one of the most difficult hours of the week - the day and time of the accident. Going to bed is difficult. I remember about 4 days after the accident having a panic attack because I couldn't figure out how to get into bed, alone. Seeing his work ute (isn't still driving around town) or any electricians working makes me anxious.

The last 3 weeks however, all the emotions I imagined one would feel in a situation like this has come to the surface. Instead of coming at specific, predictable times they now hang around constantly. I am sad all the time. I am feeling the loss constantly. I started crying. Today I was on my way to work and had trouble stopping. Tears are streaming down my face as I order a coffee (an attempt to calm myself) and I am sure the girl behind the counter was very uncomfortable.

Talking to others who know grief this seems to be normal. Shock has worn off, reality has set in. I expected it, but I am completely taken by surprise. I am trying hard not to fight it. Trying to just feel. Hoping that by facing all this head on, that I might come through quicker. I don't expect that I will ever "get over" this. I am changed forever. I'm just hoping for a better week.

1 comment:

Leah said...

I can't pretend to know what it's like to lose your husband. But I know when my Nanna died, I reacted a similar way: for days I didn't cry. Even staying in her house when we went down for the funeral, I felt sad but no tears. I even thought I was going to get through the funeral ok, but towards the end it hit. When I got home the next day, my husband said something a little insensitive and I snapped. I was bawling and it was the only time I have ever shouted at him. I'd go for weeks feeling fine and then one night I'd be overwhelmed again.

Losing a grandmother doesn't even border on losing your husband; but I have a slight understanding of the weird way grief arranges your emotions. I hope you continue to navigate your way through it, with God's (and family's!) help.