Little does the person on the other end of the line know how much these calls upset me. Little does she know that she manages to shatter a perfectly fine day by reminding me, yet again that Jouke is dead and that I might yet have to face court to pin criminal charges on people that I consider friends.
Its the same way I am rattled by paperwork and banks and solicitors. Last week I filed paperwork to claim outstanding long service leave and for the first time in a long time, I had to write his name again. I was physically shaking by the end. The same way I was shaking after an appointment with the solicitor to update our wills. He was casually asking about what would happen should we die one day.
Like the one day, that came to soon.
I am terrified will come too soon again.
Death is messy, its ugly and it follows you. Even on sunny days, when all else is fine, it manages to rattle you to the core and remind you of the fragility of life.