Adjusting

Not so many months ago I remember talking to a friend about Jouke's death and how we were coping. I remember telling her that one of the hardest changes that I had to make was a shift in language. In an effort to help my brain to except the death of my spouse I forced myself to start referring to things as mine and to use me and I. What a struggle! I constantly kept on referring to our, us and we. And ever time I did use me or mine I would feel the pain of loss again.

It did however, over time, become normal. I got used to being me and referring to my house, my bed, my car. In part, it was rebellion. Maybe even pride. Like a 'watch-me-do-it-alone' attitude. I hated being alone, going alone, doing alone, but I was slowly adjusting to that and in small ways (very small ways) loved the freedom to choose, like what I watched on TV.

Thing is, now that I am married again, I am finding that I have to adjust back again to us, we, ours. I love it, but for some reason it has taking a while for me to fully get my head around it. Finally, gladly it is our house, our car, our bed! My head will just take a minute to catch up.