Friday, June 27, 2008

The ritual of my life

Its late and I should be heading of to bed. But I just want to share this thought with you. Lately I have been feeling rather trapped by the routine of my life. I feel guilty even saying this, but the day-to-day demands of being a mother, the nobody-else-can-do-this nature of it, is leaving me a little overwhelmed.

I remember the first night home from the hospital with our little boy. He cried and cried for over 3 hours and nothing would settle him. I looked up at my hubby and we were both fresh out of ideas of what to do. And it was in that moment that I realised that there was no 'out' in motherhood. Nobody was going to come in and get him and only bring him back when he is beautiful and quiet. We were his only parents and we would be for the rest of our lives.

While that is one amazing thing (something that makes me realise the price God payed by sending His Son for my sins) it is also the most terrifying thought. We don't get a second chance at this. This is it.
And when the days are long and I have spent months with these kids without even more than an hour "off" (like that exists in motherhood) I start to get a little resentful that this life, that I want so badly, is mine. That I don't just get to pop to town, go to the movies, buy groceries or anything without careful planning and first checking that the nappy bag is well stocked with nappies, wipes, snacks, drinks, and a packet of crayons. These trips also have to be planned around nap times and on days that the kids are in particularly good moods, sometimes it is best just to stay home and fight the battles in private.
Then on the days that I do get to go out on my own it is usually to the grocery store and I am bound by the 3 hours between breastfeeds, so even they have to be carefully timed.

Please don't misunderstand me, I love my children, I love our life! All I am saying it that I don't think we were created to do this alone. My hubby is possible the best daddy there is. He is involved, helps out, disciplines when necessary and rumbles and plays with the kids. In that respect I am not doing it alone. But the reality is that even when friends or family are able to give us an hour off, sometimes I still feel like I am doing it alone because they are my kids, my responsibility.

But then I remembered that I really am not alone, there is hope. The Lord offers us rest, He offers to carry our load.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my load is light" Matthew 11:28-30
I have been selfishly wanting a break from these kids, my kids, God's blessings to me. It is however the wrong thing to be hungry for. I should be hungry to God's rest and I should trust that He will provide me with tools and strength I need to raise my children to love and follow Him.
If you tonight are feeling like me, just a little trapped, run down and weary, then know that I am praying for you. May you find God's rest, may He be your safe place and may He wake you in the morning with renewed energy for our task ahead.
God bless!


Peri said... did God ask you to write this for me Ansia??? It has definitely struck a chord with me, and I so appreciate your insight and prayers. Even more than this, I'm thankful that there is a Refuge to hide in when times are tough and tempers are tort.
Love Peri

Claire said...

I just stumbled on your blog tonight & reading it has really been a blessing - God knows just what we need!

Ansia said...

Your not wrong Claire. I started writing this post late one night after a particularly trying day. My original intent was to have a bit of a winge, but the Lord was changing my heart as I wrote and I went to bed with my focus changed. God really is good!